Everbody beed all excitin' at Sunday School today acause Mrs. Pearson sayed, childrens, we has a special visitor this mornin'! I thunk it must of bees God; but, nope. Even better. It beed Santy Claus! He were sittin' in the teachers chair an' sayin' HoHo, an' everthin' beed happy atill Clive hadda go an' tole Santy what Scabby Doyle wantsa has  ballerina shoes for Christmas. Next I knowed, Scabby clouted me acause he thunk I beed Clive an' then I bited Whitey Easton but it beed a accident acause I were only sayin' OW; an' hims head gotted in my mouth. Then all a girls was cryin', an' all a boys was snarlin', an' chairs was fallin' over, an' Princess Peterson peed on Santy's feets. Santy leaved. An' Mrs. Pearson beed mad on the dickens. She maked us do a big pray at God for to say sorry 'bout that ruckus. Which, I thunk that beed funny acause He never even comed to visit. But I sayed it anyhows. An' I axed God does ya thinks what Santy Claus still gonna bring me a red CCM bike? Prawly not. Stupid Clive.

NOT A BITCH

I gotted in trouble at Sunday School today acause Mrs. Pearson telled everbody, hurry inside, childrens; an' I beed hurryin' too slow. But it weren't my own fault; I jus' couldn't not stop sniffin' everthin' on the sidewalk. Then Mrs. Pearson hollered on me, NOW, GEORGE! Alls I done is, I sayed, hold on a sex, I's smellin' a bitch here; an' the next thing what I knowed, Mrs. Pearson thumped me on my nose with her Bible. She sayed how dares me for to call her a smelly bitch. Which, I never even. She don't gots shiny fur, no fancy tail; she don't even smell right. A course, Mrs. Pearson hadda go an' tole on me an' then Momma beed mad, too. I tried a splain what I weren't not even rude. I tole her, Momma, why is I gonna call Mrs. Pearson a smelly bitch? She jus' bees a floppy skin girl what smells bad like you, Momma. Then guess what Momma done? Thump me on my nose with her purse. I can't not hardly smell what so all, now. Prawly I shoulda jus' let them keep on betendin' they was bitches.

BULLFROG BULLDOG FORD

Grammy an' Grampy hadded a big bash blow-up fight today, alright. She beed knttin' the most gigantic-est thing what I ever seed, so I axed her, whatcha makin', Grammy? A bulldozer cozy?  She sayed, no, Georgie. I gots a  karaoke friend what everbody calls Bullfrog Bulldog Ford acause hims neck bees so big. I's knittin' him a scarf so's he don't gotsa buy hisself one at the Rent A Tent no more. Then Grampy hollered on the top a hims lung, BULLFROG BULLDOG FORD? I thunk I telled you for to stay away from that fella, Maisey! Ever time what I sees that Bullfrog he bees in a drunken stupor. I tole you; one a these days he bees gonna git hisself CRACKED UP! Next what I knowed, they was spittin' an' screamin' an' snappin' alls over the kitchen. It beed a terrible thing. So, I tried a calm Grampy down, an' I tole him, don't not worry, Grampy. Even if Bullfrog Bulldog Ford bees drunk 'n stupid; with him's big ole neck he ain't gonna crack up any ole how. Prawly he jus' gonna roll for a good long time. Prawly somebody gonna hafta chop a oak tree down a front a him for to make him stop hims rollin'. They both beed quiet an' thunk on that for a few sex.

WIDOW WADDLE

Today we hadded a special guest at Sunday School what were Mr. Wilfred Waddle's widow. Grammy sayed what she heared that poor Wilfred Waddle jus' gotted ascared to deaf on account a Widow Waddle bees ugly as sin. Which, prawly that bees how come she gotsa go at Sunday School now; for to try an' pray that ugly away. An' also she were playin' the piano for all the childrens to sing along. I only seed Widow Waddle's ugly back acause when she beed gonna turn around, I runned outta there fast fast. I were screamin' at the tother kids, don't nobody look! We bees too young for to die! Scabby Doyle telled me what nobody died after all; but Widow Waddle do bees 'bout ugly as a canker sore. He seed Mrs. Pearson talkin' on my Momma, too. He sayed what her hands was wavin' in the air an' her face beed all red an' bubbly. I thinks what that Widow Waddle woman goed an' maked big troubles for me today.

GOOD TIME CHARLIE

Today Grampy axed me, has ya thinked 'bout what does ya gonna wanna do when ya grows up, Georgie? I tole him, not so much, Grampy. I doesn't care what I does, just so long for I bees happy. Grampy sayed, ha! You beminds me of a fella what everbody used of call Good Time Charlie acause alls he ever done was party an' have fun. An' then one day he felled offa hims barstool an' breaked hims leg so bad what they hadda chop it off. So whaddya thinks 'bout that, Mr. Happy Pants? I only thunk what I is glad what Grampy bees blind as balonie so he don't sees what I is lookin' on him like that were the idiotest thing I has ever heared. But I tole him, well, maybe sometimes I thinks what I'm gonna might wanna be a weatherman, Grampy. And then guess what? Grampy snorted. Then HE tole ME what that were the idiotest thing what he has ever heared. That beed rude.

AUNT BETTY

Ever time my Aunt Betty bees comin' over, Momma says the zact same thing on me. Bemember, Georgie, ya gottsa be polite even know ya doesn't like her kisses. Poor Aunt Betty bees spayed. An' she jus' loves childrens. But today I gotted all braved up an' I tole her, Momma, I doesn't care how much Aunt Betty bees paid for to love childrens; I'm rather chew my leg off astead a kissin' them dribbly dishrag lips a hers ever never again! Momma hadded the strangest face on her look what I never seed afore. So I jus' shutted mine own self up after that.

MONKEY'S UNCLE

Today I were betendin' what Momma's bed beed a frampoline an' I were havin' jumpity fun atill she comed in an' screamed on me. That scared me so bad what I done a flip on accident. But after the screamin' beed over, even Momma sayed, that were a pretty good flip ya done, Georgie! So I tole Grampy 'bout hows I maked such a good flip, and he sayed, zat so? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Which, that don't gots nothin' doin' 'bout frampoline flips. Then I thunk, hey, know what? Prawly I must of bees a monkey's cousint! An' then I thunk, uh,oh. Banana breath.

DANCIN' BARE

At Obee Dance School today I gotted to go at the Agility Ability class with the big boys acause Mrs. Barker finally teached me how to sit down. She sayed, now you is gonna learn how to climb this ladder, Georgie! So I jus' putted one foot on the sladder, then the nother one, then the nother one, then the nother one... like that. It beed easy. Mrs. Barker thunk what I were mazin'; but then she goed  an' sayed, you's like a dancin' bear in the circus, George! Which, that maked me fell offa that sladder, an' the sladder felled over, too. I tole  Mrs. Barker, I ain't dancin' bare-naked for nobody; even know I loves the circus. My poor Momma gonna has fifty tits when she hears 'bout this. Prawly she gonnas wanna take me at figured skatin' school astead.

POOR EDNA

I beed bawlin' my eyes off afore Sunday School this mornin' acause I seed my Momma slappin' a big bare-naked baby alls aroun' the kitchen. Which, that never minded me so much atill she sayed, I's jus' gonna dress Edna an' stick 'er in the oven, George. Now you go get dressed! THAT were when I bawled. And that bees how come I dressed me all spectacular; so maybe Momma prawly don't wanna stick me in the oven an' wreck my handsome clothes all to heck an' gone. Mrs Pearson tole us, today bees Thanksgivening, childrens. Then she axed us, what is you thanksful for? I tole everbody what I thanks on God what Edna gotted dressed first today; so Momma ain't gonna cook me to deaf in the oven.

THE BURNIN' BUSH

At Sunday School today, Mrs. Pearson beed teachin' us 'bout a fella called Moses; an' Moses setted a bush on fire an' then he jus' sitted aroun' an' talked to it. I thunk he shoulda gotted in trouble for settin' fires, but Mrs. Pearson sayed, no, George, he never done it. That bush jus' beed burnin' when Moses gotted there. An' God beed talkin' right outta that bush! So I axed her, well, if I sets Momma's spider plant on fire, does ya thinks what angels is gonna talk at me? Which, she sayed, never, never play with matches, George. Then she tole me, no, not lilghters, neither. I's thinkin' 'bout puttin' that plant in the oven, 'cept prawly a angel gonna thinks what that bees too hot. But I's gonna give it a go anyhows, acause I hates spiders. Momma shouldn't not be growin' 'em in the house.

DOGGONE CAT PEOPLES

I is doggone sick 'n tired a pointy-face-whisker-nose cat peoples what thinks what they's glamour-puss fat cat kitty cats jus' bees the cat's pyjamas. So today I gotted all stinkered up in a dumpster, then I putted on a cat face an' rided the bus all over town. Everbody maked smelly faces on me, an' looked on me like; you bees a deesgustin' cat. Which, that were zactly what I wanted! I beed so surprised when Momma gotted on my bus for to come home from work. She looked like as if she seed a horror movie when she sawed me sittin' there stinkin' out the bus. Her face goed all white-ish, an' I thunk what she were gonna say, oh, George, you is a bad dog! But nothin' comed outta her mouth even know it beed movin' like words was in there. Prawly the cat gotted her tongue!

VERY VALLERGIC

 

 

Momma beed mad on me today an' she were hollerin', Georgie how come ever time I tells ya, don't not; ya gottsa go an' does it? What bees the matter with you, George? Then all in a flush; I knowed somethin'. I must of bees vallergic to don't not. Prawly I really is, acause when Momma says don't not; my feets is itchy if I ain't apposed a touch. Or my mouth bees all drippy if I ain't apposed a eat. An' even if I gotta sit still; my bum bees screamin' like I's sittin' on a ant hill. Which, that means what it bees Momma's own fault what them curtains felled down an' pretty near drownded me to deaf. I tried a tole her to don't not say don't not at me no more; but then she sayed don't not talk on yous Momma like that. Well, that maked my tongue all itchy for to keep talkin'; an' it didn't not stop atill Momma taked away my marshmallow pie. I ain't even vallergic to marshmallows.

CAPTAIN BLUE

Today I beed Captain Blue the Super Hero acause I hadded a blue head. With white ears. An' a white A on it. Which, I doesn't knows how come there were a A on my head. Clive sayed, must of means you is Captain Blue Arsehole the Stupid Hero; an' he laughed on me. I were gonna fly home an' tole on him; but then he sayed what arsehole ain't as same as asshole. Clive sayed if somebody bees a arsehole; that means what they is nice. So tonight at supper when Momma passed the ketchup an' axed me, what does you say, young man? I sayed, THANKS YOU, ARSEHOLE! all smart an' proudish. Next I knowed, I gotted whacked on my mouth with a piece a bread 'n butter 'n then sended to my room. I shoulda knowed better than for to listen on that Clive. Now I thinks what that A must of bees A, for A Idiot.

DOOMSY'S FUNERAL PARLOUR

Ever sometime sometime if Grammy bees too borin', she gits herself gussied up for to go an' has a visit at Percy Doomsy's Funeral Parlour. Which, that bees kinda like a Beauty Parlour; 'cept the customers is all dead. Grammy says what that prawly bees okay, acause Percy ain't the best hairs dresser in town anyhows. But he do makes the nicest fancy samwiches and sweet-bites around.  Grammy were goin' out for dinner at Percy Doomsy's tonight; but she comed home early an' mad acause Mr. Percy stopped her at the door. Does you knows the deceased? He axed her. Grammy tole him what she ain't got no disease; but he still wouldn't not let her in. What is the name of the deceased, M'am? He axed again. So Grammy sayed, Chicken Pox. Then he sayed, go home. Now Grammy bees slammin' pots aroun' acause she gots a cook her own dinner; and if she gonnas hafta take a taxi flat across town to Grimsby's Funeral Parlour; then she ain't gonna has a cheap night out no more. I thinks that Percy Doomsy were too mean on Grammy. Chicken Pox bees a good disease.

STUMP'S STORE

 

Ole Mr. Stump used of been a English teacher afore he retarded and maked hisself a store what's called Stump's Store. Today Grammy gived me a dollar for to go to the store an' git outta her hairs. Which, I weren't even near her anyhows. I axed Mr. Stump, doesn't ya gots no bubbly gums? I ain't seen none nowhere. He sayed, where is your grammar, young man? I tole him Grammy were at home. Then he tole me what grammars must of bees used, else they's gonna dry up an' die. I thunk, Holy Ponchos! And I runned fast fast home and tole Grammy to git me a sandwich, (for to use her up a bit). Then I tole her, do it now, Grammy, else you is gonna DIE!! She bited me in my ear and tole me, don't not talk to me atill you wants to pollogize 'bout bein' so rude. I tried a tell her sorry what I saved yous life, Grammy; but she just bited me again and now she still bees mad on me. And I is mad on her now, too. She prawlys gonna wish she maked me that sandwich when she starts dryin' out like a ole empty tuna can.

Today at Sunday School we was singin' a song alls 'bout Jesus lovin' all a the little childrens. Mrs. Pearson axed me, how come you bees lookin' saddish, Georgie? Don't that makes you happy for to know what Jesus loves ever childrens? I tole her, well, He must not of loves Scabby Doyle so much; acause; look on hims bath mat furs an' that scabby ole face he gots. Mrs. Pearson sayed, GEORGE! That bees mean! Which, I weren't even tryin' a be mean on him; I beed feelin' sorry 'bout he bees so ugly what Grammy sayed that prawly only hims Momma gonna love him. Then Mrs. Pearson tole me, no, George, Jesus even loves ugly childrens; and Scabby busted up a cry. That beed the first time what I ever seed Mrs. Pearson sended her own self out to the hall. Prawly she hadda make a little pray for to say sorry 'bout callin' Scabby Doyle a ugly children.

Today has beed the funnest day on my whole attire life. Grammy taked me 'n Clive 'n Velma to a Musement Park, and we eated junk and goed on ever ride what I never even knowed about afore. I throwed up on the Tea Cups, and Velma cried acause her undie wears was showin' on the Fairies Wheel; but the bestest part was when Grammy's teeths flewed offa the Rolly Coaster and bited some fella you knows where on hims you knows what. Then the Security Boy hadda stop our ruckus, and he tole Grammy, you gotsa go home now, else I is callin' the Police. Which, that beed OK, acause Officer Bob Thompson drived us home, so we never even hadda wait for the bus! I can't not wait atil I gets to go again, but Officer Bob Thompson sayed what we prawly oughta wait for a few days or a year.

Clive tole me today, guess what? There bees a new prince baby in Englishland what theys callin' George, jus' like you is George, George! I thunk what prawly theys seed my pictures. But then Clive sayed, and the baby momma's name bees Kate; jus' like yous Momma, too, Georgie! So then I thunk, well, me an' Momma must of bees a Canadish Royal Family. Which, that means if Clive gonna be mean, or spit on me or somethin'; I gets to holler, take him to my bowels and chop hims head off! When Aunt Spot heared that, she tole me I gotta go home now. She don't knows Royal Stuff what so all.

Today at Sunday School I axed Mrs. Pearson if it bees a swear word for to say, What The Devil...; and she sayed, no it ain't. She even called me Sweetie. Which, that were a surprise on me! I sayed, thanks goodness; acause when Grampy bringed me to Grammy's house, he tole her, why the devil doesn't you clean up this shit-hole you goddamn piss-tank; and I thunk he beed swearin' with hims devil talk. Then Mrs. Pearson sended me out in the hall and called me George astead a Sweetie. I jus' can't not figure out how the devil I goed from Sweetie to the hallway so fast. Prawly she gots to call the piss-tank for to come and git me acause Momma ain't home today.

Momma tole me what she don't wanna hears the nother word 'bout I is boring today. She sayed, you gots a magination, Georgie, now git outside and play. So I were betendin' swimmin' up the sidewalk, an' a ole lady goed, look on that poor doggy; he gots the Devil's Dance Disease! Which, that gived me the greatest idea for to make horrify-ish devil noises on the same time what I doggy-paddled around. I were very scarin' everbody what seed me, and that maked me laugh a dancy devil laugh. Atill somebody telled my Momma. She yanked me outta my maginary water and axed me, why is ya actin' like a moron, George? I never even thunk I beed a moron. If I hadda beed a maginary billy-goat and eated everbody's socks; that woulda beed a moron. I thinks what my Momma just gots a dusty magination.

CLOSED CALL

Grampy hadded a closed call today acause he almost beed hitted by a truck when he were tryin' a pick a dime offa the road. Which, it were only a pop-top after alls. Then the biggest, ugliest, truckiest man I ever seen jumped outta hims truck and yelled on Grampy, why I oughta poke yous light out, fella. Grampy sayed, well, pardon me all the way to the beach, Missus; but it ain't my fault what yous cookin' prawly bees as ugly as yous face. Hows 'bout you git on home an' scream on yous husband astead! Thanks God what there beed a big line a cars honkin' 'n hollerin', so the ugly truck man hadda go. I tole Grampy, I knows you is as blind as a hockey stick, Grampy, but didn't ya heared that big mad man voice on him? Grampy just sayed, huh; I only jus' thunk what she beed a smoker.

BAD MITTENS

Grammy teached me an' Clive a new game called Bad Mittens today. Which, ya doesn't even wear mittens; ya runs around with a bracket hittin' a cock back 'n forth to each nother. Grammy tole us what she used of hit that cock like nobody's business when she beed a young sizzler. She were hollerin' all a time all a time, hit it, watch it, keep yous eyes on that cock, boys! And then Clive batted that cock right straight in mine eye; an' I were screamin' like a seagull lookin' for french fries. That maked Momma come runnin' for to see what bees all the noise about. She jus' shooked her head and tole Grammy, see, it all bees funny games atill somebody loses theys eyeball. But Momma jus' don't unnerstans Bad Mittens what so all. Prawly I's gonna teach her how to play when my cock eye bees better.

CANADA DAY

So I missed Canada Day, eh? I gotted all gussied up today for somebody can took me in theys topless car in a big fine parade where everbody gonna say, hey, that bees Georgie lookin' all Canada handsome! But Momma tole me what that been two days ago. I is so mad on her. I axed her, how come you gone and maked me miss my big parade, Momma? She tole me, you eated my shoe, George. Bemember? Which, no, I doesn't. And, plus, you can't not put shoes 'n parades in the same soup pot anyhow, I tole her. But she sayed, I can, 'n I done. It bees yous own fault, George. If you missed behaves, you doesn't get special treats like parades. Well, I thinks what accidents is only accidents; and eatin' shoes bees accidents. Missin' parades is missin' behavin'. That bees what Momma done. And I ain't changin', neither. She can look on me all the day and bemember what she done. Prawly I's gonna gussy up tomorrow, too.

FISHIN'

Grampy were almost gonna take me fishin' today, 'cept when we gotted to the dock there beed two fisher fellas fishin' an' I heared 'em sayin', would ya look at that Large Mouth Ass whats comin' our way! So I eated all a thems worms for to teach 'em not to talk rude on my Grampy like that. Then the skinny fisher fella what hadded a wobbly eye hollered, hey, stop that! What is you, a retard? And I sayed, no. I is a Boxer Dog. Grampy yanked me offa the dock an' maked us go home without even lettin' me get my fishin' stick wet. I axed him, why is ya mad on me, Grampy? Them fisher fellas was callin' you a large mouth ass; I only jus' beed stickin' up for ya. But he sayed what they been talkin' 'bout a BASS fish, not a ass. Which, how does I apposed a know a ass from a bass if I never beed fishin afore? If I doesn't be such a idiot, Grampy sayed what he gonnas take me fishin the nother time. I'm prawly don't wanna eat no more worms anyhow. They was gross.

Today I were gonna be a cherry picker at Wilson's Cherries, 'cept I doesn't got no thumbs. Only lotsa toes on my feets. So astead, I beed a helper and I were pickin' up all the cherries what the ladies dropped and poppin' 'em in my mouth. The ladies called me, George the Cherry Popper; and they was all callin' on me, come here, Georgie, I needs ya for to pop my cherries! I beed such a good helper all the day long jus' poppin' cherries on one girl and then on the nother. When I tole Momma 'bout poppin' all them girls cherries today, shes eyebrows goed all hard and she sayed, I is gonna has to has a word with them ladies. I hopes she don't get me fired. I likes poppin' cherries.

Today at Sunday School we learned 'bout a man what was called Joanie; and he didn't did what God tole him so he beed swallowed up by a whale. Then Joanie hadda stay in the belly a the whale for three days atill God forgived him 'n he gotted spitted back out. Which, I thunk, prawly he beed pretty stinky after that. But Mrs. Pearson sayed that ain't the point on the story. It bees about forgivishness, George, she sayed. So I axed her, does ya thinks what Joanie forgived hims Momma for callin' him a girls name? She tole me just colour my picture now. I doesn't thinks what Mrs. Pearson knowed the story 'bout Joanie and the whale too good, acause she didn't not even know what colour hims hair were apposed a bees. So I coloured it black acause I gots a Auntie called Auntie Joanie. She gots red hair.





Today I felled hard in love forever, an' then outta love for good; an' it all beed faster than a ant pees. I meeted a girl what was called Bunny; and she beed the whitest, fluffiest, Angelist of Love I has ever seed. 'Cept I never even knowed what Bunny beed called Bunny acause she really beed a bunny atill I bringed her home with me for to meet my Momma. Then Grampy runned out whoopin' an' hollerin', git the stew-pot, Georgie; an' I's gonna crack her on her head with a rock! But Bunny skeedaddled in a puff 'a fluff afore Grampy gotted a hold on her. I cried, why did ya gone an' done that, Grampy? My heart beed tingly in love with that Bunny. I were mighta gonna marry her one day. Grampy tole me, Georgie, that beed yous belly what were tinglin', not yous heart. Ever Boxer Dog loves the rabbit stew; it bees our nature, son. Which, I has to mitt what I was feelin' a little hungry after all a that locomotion. Prawly I can't never eat rabbit stew now, though. I doesn't eat hot dogs neither.

At Sunday School today, we was all laughin' our faces apart acause Mrs. Pearson beed talkin' 'bout Jesus were ridin' Him's ass all over the town for to teach the folks 'bout God's Good News. Then she sayed, stop yous silliness, childrens. A ass bees a donkey, OK? So I thunk what that bees kinda like how a motorcycle bees a hog. I axed Mrs. Pearson, does ya thinks what Jesus's Holy Momma used of ride Him's ass for to get out an' teach everbody? Mrs. Pearson sayed, don't not be so ignert, George. But I weren't even. I were only thinkin' what prawly I's gonna stick mine own Momma on my hog ( when I gets one), an' take her to the Dairy Queen. Which, that bees nice. Not ignert.

Grammy losed her teeths in a taxicab when she beed comin' home from karaoke last night. Now she bees too bareassed for to go out nowheres with her gums all bare-naked; so I hadda kept on ridin' in taxicabs huntin' for her teeths today. I were lookin' in back seats, an' axin' drivers, did ya find any teeths in yous car? An' everbody sayed nope, I ain' seed no teeths here. Atill finally, I seed a taxicab driver what smiled zactly like Grammy. 'Cept with a man-mouth. I sayed, that bees a dandy smile ya gots there, sir. Is them new teeths? He sayed, as a matter on a fact, they is! I tole him, well, if you finded them teeths in yous car, then they bees my Grammy's teeths, an' ya gotsa give 'em back. But he sayed, they bees in my mouth now. That makes 'em mine. Which, that  maked me so mad what I yelled, THEY BEES BOXER BITCH TEETHS BUSTER! He jus' smiled Grammy's smile on me. So then I sayed all quiet and devilly, she drinks outta the toilet, ya know. He popped them teeths out faster than a spitball. And that bees how Grammy gotted her teeths back.

Today I seed Clive hangin' on No Good Corner with a new boy whats called Twice Kool Keith. Clive axed me, ya knows why hims name bees Twice Kool, Georgie? Then Twice Kool Keith sayed, acause if I gotsa tell ya twice; I sends ya to the Smithereens on the end a my boot. And he were wearin' big black Harold Davidson boots, too. The both a them smiled on me and I sayed, does yous fellas been eatin' poops? Ya gots brown stuffs sticked on yous teeths. Then Clive popped a cigarette butt in hims mouth an' eated it. CIGARETTES, CLIVE? Is you a idiot? You is comin' home with me right now, I tole him. Then I bited hims ear good 'n hard. Which, I never even knowed what I were gonna done that. Twice Kool Keith gotted all snakey up in hims eyes and sayed, is ya forgettin' 'bout the Smithereens, Georgie? So I jus' axed Clive, what does ya rather has? Smithereens? Or Twice Mad Momma? He comed home with me. And he puked up all the way. I jus' thunk, well that serves you good now, don't it?

 

Mrs. Pearsonn beed teachin' us alls 'bout Angels at Sunday School today; and she sayed what even everbody gots hims own Guard Dog Angel. Which, they whispers in yous ears for to keep you safe all a time, all a time. My Guard Dog Angel bees called Dwayne. He tole me that. Scabby Doyle sayed what ever time a bell rings, the nother Angel gets hims wings. So at snack time, I taked Mrs. Pearson's bell and I were ringin' the daynights outta it. I heared baby Angels sayin' Yay George! Yay George! Atill all on a suddenly, I heared Mrs. Pearson screamin', Hey George! Put that bell down... you is makin' a racket! Prawly Racket Angels bees the same like baby ones. Maybe you is only allowed makin' so many a day; like fishin'. But Dwayne telled me, don't not worry; I's jus' gonna hafta ring up 'nother batch next week.

I gotted a bad dose a the whiplash today, and it bees all Momma's own fault. I didn't not wanna play with Velma acause she bees a stupid girl; but Momma maked me. So I sayed, OK, but we is playin' a boys game, then. I tole Velma what we is playin' Tow Truck; and I tied a rope onto her, and then onto me. You bees Two Ton Tessie, I tole her, and I is gonna tow you outta the ditch. 'Cept, I never knowed what my rope beed a bungee cord. And when I were towin' Two Ton, it gotted longer and longer, atill all on a suddenly, Two Ton Tessie flewed past me like a rocket ship. Then I flewed. Then she flewed again; then Momma runned after us screamin' on me for to stop. Which, finally, I hitted a tree. And Two Ton Tessie hitted me and pretty near breaked me in half. After when Momma gotted us all undid; she gived Velma a milk bone for to shut her up. I didn't not even care, too. Prawly acause I were rather just has a Yambylance. But Momma wouldn't not call one. She sayed, you is gonna be fine, George. Whiplash ain't fine.

 

Everbody bees ascared a this bully what bees called Wolfgang the Schnauzer; but I tole him, jus' acause ya gots a wolf 'n a gang in yous name, that don't makes you so tough you hairy face shorty pants. Then, bing-bang... I beed on the ground! He jus' looked down on me and sayed what I better knows some Partial Arts afore I bees messin' with him again. So now I is Ju Jitsu George. And I is gonna has a black belt as soon as I gets some lessons. I axed Grammy can she got me a Ju Jitsu Dojo; but I shoulda yelled on her acause she gotted all mad and twisted my ear. She sayed what I don't not deserves no jujubes if I is gonna call her rude names. You can take yous fancy pee-jammies right up to bed, she tole me. I keeps forgettin' what Grammy has catched the heart of hearin' offa her foolish-headed karoake. Momma telled me that.

We hadded a picnic fun day at Obee Dance School today, but it weren't so much fun for me acause I never winned nothin'. Even Gimpy Morgan winned a soccer ball in the three-legged race. Which, that weren't fair acause Gimpy only gots three legs anyhows. That bees how come I kicked hims stupid ball and it gotted stucked in a tree. Then baby Gimpy hadda tole on me; and Mrs. Barker sayed, Mr. George, did you did that on purpose? Stucked Gimpy's ball in that tree like that? I tole her, no, M'am. I were tryin' a kick it into the traffic, but that tree beed in the way. So she maked me sit down atill I can behave with propriately. But I jus' thunk, it don't not bees so propriate for to give a three legs doggie a soccer ball any ole how. He  gonna fell over sideways, else longways if he tries a kick it. One or the tother. Prawly he oughta quit cryin' up that tree and think on that for a minute.

I is pretty darn tootin' sure what Momma never gonnas let me has a pet. So today I hadded a great idea, and I tole her what I really really needs a brother or a sister. ('Cept I only wants a sister if it don't gots a be a girl.) But Momma sayed, oh Georgie, you is everthin' to me. We doesn't need nobody else. Which, that bees dandylions for her; but what about me? So I been hidin' all the liver long day today, and when Momma say, Georgie, where is you? I jus' bees quiet and don't not hardly breathes. Prawly in a couple or a few days, she gonna get us a beautiful baby beagle. I hopes what she better wouldn't not dare 'n get no cat. I'm rather stick a fork in mine eye.

I almost hadded a sleep-over at Clive's last night, and me 'n Clive 'n Scabby maked a boys club. Even know we bees rather to has a treehouse clubhouse; we hadda use a tent astead acause we bees doggies. So we maked up the tent in the basement and tole Velma, you gots a git outta here acause they bees no girls allowed at the boys club clubhouse tent. Then Velma gotted to cryin' like thunder and I sayed, look out fellas, I thinks I hears a big fat bear. So Velma runned and tole Aunt Spot what I were callin' her fat. Which, I were callin' the BEAR fat. But Aunt Spot sayed what I knowed what the big fat bear beed Velma, didn't I? I sayed, uh huh; and Aunt Spot sayed I ain't allowed for to sleep over atill I gets some manners. I tole Aunt Spot, prawly it would gonna be very rude on me if I tells a bear, hey, you is a scrawny ole bear; but she sayed, you is just makin' things worser and worser, George. Go call yous Momma.

Momma were gettin' ready for to go to a Masturbade Ball tonight what bees for to give monies to ole peoples what can't not bemembers very good now. She beed all, Georgie, has you seed my car keys? I can't not find my earrings! Oh, where in the haystack do them fancy dance shoes bees? So I thunk what Momma must of bees goin' to the right place for to masturbade 'n dance all night. Acause, after everbody bees finished theys masturbadin'; prawly Momma can line up for to get some monies, too.

When Grammy gotted home from the beer shop this mornin', she finded me knocked up unconscious on the grass acause I were betendin' I beed a squirrell and I felled outta the tree. She shooked me for to wake up and sayed, oh, Georgie, is ya OK? And I just sayed, huh? Acause I catched the magnesia, and I didn't not know what Grammy beed Grammy. I never even knowed what I beed I. She axed me, does ya knows yous name, Georgie? I sayed, maybe I bees Roscoe Boscoe. Then she axed, well, does ya knows who I is? I tole her, ya looks like Hagatha the Homely Homeless Orphan. She clobbered me on my head with her beer bag; and all in a suddenly, Grammy beed Grammy again. She sayed, I knowed what a hair a the dog what bited ya would fix ya up. Which, that sure the haystack weren't no doggie hair. But I just goed inside for to put ice on my gooses egg afore she setted her brains for to clobber me again.

One time I telled on Scabby acause he sayed, George, you is stupid; and I sayed, I knows you is, but what are I? Then Momma teached me a poem what sayed: sticks and stones gonna breaks yous bones, but names can't not never hurts ya. So today when Scabby tole me, George, you is a idiot, I bemembered Momma's lesson and I whacked him on hims knee with a big ole stick. He runned away cryin' like a little girl. I thunk 'bout callin' after him, and I were gonna say, look on that scaredy bunny hoppin' away; acause he weren't runnin' very good. Which, I didn't not say nothin'; acause Momma beed right 'bout callin' names. Sticks 'n stones bees way better. 'Cept, I hasn't tried stones yet. Prawly next time maybe I's gonna try stones.

Last night I hadda go at the hospital acause I eated baby Masey's diaper on accident. And then the luckiest thing what ever happened - happened. When I were waitin' for to puke up the diaper, a ole lady rolled in on a chair what hadded wagon wheels. Her skins was all long and scaly, and she hadded twiggy fingers and white hairs. And a scuba-divin' tank. When I seed that tank, my brains goed, PINGO! You bees lookin' on a real-to-life-Mermaid, George. I doesn't knows why they taked that poor ole Mermaid outta the river, but I's glad what they did. Acause, that bees how come I were so lucky. For to see a Mermaid. Prawly, I hopes what she just gonna hafta puke up a dirty fish or somethin', then they gonna throw her back. Then she gonnas be lucky, too. Just like me.

Momma foolished me again today when she gotted home from work. She were talkin' like Little Nancy Neighbour and sayed, come here, Georgie; I gots you somethin'. A course, I's all a time hopin' what some day Momma gonnas make a good surprise on me, so I comed here, and she sayed, look, Georgie. I boughted you some thongs! That bees deesgustin', Momma, I tole her. I ain't wearin' no girls undiewears. Then she sayed what them thongs bees for mine feets. That woman has felled offa her rockets. She maked me put them thong things on and take her for her walk. Which, that beed horrible. My back feets been steppin' on my front feets, and then all a my feets gotted stucked and my chin hitted the ground and my toes beed pretty near tore off. Next time what Momma talks on me like Little Nancy Neighbour, I ain't comin' here what so all.

I didn't not had a good day today. Momma tole me, stay inside today, George, it bees rainin' cats 'n dogs. Which, I thunk, well I gotsa see that. So I putted on my brella and I goed out for to has a look-see; and Mr. Brown sayed, hey, Georgie! Whats you doin' out here? It bees rainin' buckets! Then the mailman tole me, it bees a lovely day for ducks, George! I were walkin' all aroun' the town and I never seed no cats 'n  dogs, no ducks, no buckets. It just only were rainin' rain. I gotted so wet what I were ascared what my fur gonna shrink on me. Then Momma gonna say, George! You bees like a little baby now! You goed out in that rain and gotted shrunked up, didn't you? But even know I never gotted shrunked, Momma still gonna knows what I wented outside, and prawly she gonna be mad on me. I thinks what I catched my deaf of ammonia.

Me and Scabby Doyle beed laughin' today 'bout how come lotsa lotsa doggies is lookin' like theys Momma and Daddy peoples. Mr. Brown look like hims bassett hound, Sandford. And Miss Raquel look just a same as she's afghan, Giselle. Then all on a sudden, I thunk, hey, wait a minute... I runned fast fast home for to tole Momma, guess what, Momma? Come look in the mirror, Momma. See yous hair-do? It bees just like a pair a flappy ears! And look on yous face, Momma. Yous face hang down past yous chins, just as same as me. You even drools outta yous cheeks if you smells food; and I doos that too! You looks zactly the same like me, Momma! Well, Momma busted up a cry what I ain't heared since we hadded a full moon. Prawly she bees all proudish acause no one never gonna hafta say, hey, Georgie, who's yous Momma? Acause everbody all a time can tole what my Momma bees that boxer-dog-face lady.

Momma tole me what I is a sad sock feelin' sorry for mine own self today and so she gonnas name it Poor George Day. Which, I does bees poor George. I has beed growin' my hairs ever since I were borned, and I still gots a wear fur pants what looks like theys maked outta eyebrows. And even know it beed a beauty shiny day outside, I only were too hot acause I don't gots no tail for to breeze me up. I only gots a stub. And my brains was boilin' acause Momma won't not let me gots perky ears and so my air holes bees closed over by a couple a flapjacks. But now Momma gonnas cheery me up and take me for to get ice cream. Then she hadda go 'n sayed, now, Georgie, you knows what you can only has a small cone, right? And she sayed it all happyish; which, that just maked me a sadder of a sock. I sayed, yes Momma, I knows, I knows. I is black toes intolerant.

Everbody bees mad on me today and it ain't even mine own fault. First on alls, Grampy maked a big fart and sayed, that one sure doos gots teeths in it! So I axed him, was you wearin' Grammy's teeths again, Grampy? Acause I figured what maybe he swallered 'em on accident, and that bees how come he bees fartin' 'em out now. So then Grampy beed mad what I tole on him 'bout usin' Grammy's teeths. And then Grammy been mad acause she don't likes nobody talkin' 'bout her fakey teeths. And then Momma gotted mad acause she thunk what it beed ME what were talkin' 'bout farts and she sayed, don't not talk so rude, George, fart bees a dirty word. Which, no it ain't. And farts don't gots teeths, neither. But at the endin', they was all fartin' and squabblin', and nobody were listenin' to me what so all.

Momma bees all a time gettin' mad on me acause I gots a chase ever squirrel what I sees and I is draggin' her too hard on her leash. She don't unnerstans what squirrels gots radar what goes right inside a my head and then my legs just gets goin' all by theys selves. So I avented a special Squirrel Radar Blocker Hat for to keep them outta my head; 'cept it don't not works acause I never knewed it, but they gets in through my eyes even. Today Momma sayed maybe she gots a strap me into the moron seat in a shoppin' cart and take me clackity-clack down the sidewalk and everbody gonna say, hey, do that bees George the boxer dog in that moron seat? Do that bees what you wants Georgie? She axed me. Which, no, it ain't. So I shutted my eyes for to keep them fur-coat rats out; and then a course I hadda walk slow, acause I couldn't not see nothin'. Prawly I were lookin' like a moron any ole how; but I doesn't knows, acause my eyes beed slammed shut.

Today at Sunday School Mrs. Pearson teached us for to be grateful for everthins' what we haves. So when she axed, do anybody can help me with the garbage today? I putted up my hand for to show her what I bees full a great, just like she been sayin'. But then I thunk, why does I gonna waste all this good garbage? I oughts a eat it astead. When Mrs. Pearson catched me eatin' up the garbage, she screamed on me, Georgie! What the earths is you thinkin'? I tole her what I beed thinkin' on poor puppies what don't gots a get a eat good garbage like this. She sayed, go wipe off yous face; and don't not be smart with me, young man. So I sayed, duh, okee dokee,  Mrs. Pearson. And I were talkin' all stupidish. Which, that maked her madder on madder; and prawly I's pretty darn sure what she gonna tole Momma on me.

Today I eated Momma's glasses and she sayed don't me dare say what I eated 'em on accident; and it weren't no accident. But if I tells the holy truths and don't not lies, Momma all a time says what I isn't gonna get in trouble. Momma breaked the rules. She were screamin' on me like a jungle monkey what gotted hims banana stealed by a big ole ape. She sayed she never seed such a mess of a pair a glasses afore. So I tole her, Momma, you can has my Rock Star glasses what I winned at Scabby Doyle's birthday party; they isn't a mess. No, George, she sayed. I needs subscription glasses for to see. I can't not see nothin' without 'em. Which, I thunk, how come can she sees what them glasses bees a mess if she can't not see without them messy glasses? Prawly she don't not needs 'em what so all. She just bees makin' a monkey fuss over nothin'.

Grammy likes a sip on cocks tails ever time it bees the humps day. And her girls comes over and they sips cocks tails, too. And they plays cards and talks dirty. But today Grammy bees tic-toc crazy shinin' up the house for to make it looks like a magazine. She sayed it bees acause the new girl, Bijou Laurette Finkel bees comin' over and Grammy don't wants her to think what we lives like dogs. How come this Bijou bees so special, Grammy? I axed her. Not Bijou, George, she sayed. Bijou Laurette Finkel. She gots THREE names. And she lives in that big fancy Finkel house. And she gets her hairs did at the Doggie Saloon. So I tole Grammy, well, yous real name bees Grammy Bob Sandcock; bemember? So you is fancy, too! She just sayed what I better go and tell Momma what she wants me. So I goed and I tole her. She didn't not wants me. Prawly Grammy were ascared what I beed gonna tell fancy pantsy Bijou what Grammy gots three names, too. Prawly ole fancy pantsy woulda gotted all jealous on Grammy. Grammy Bob Sandcock, I mean.

 

 

Today has beed the first time what I ever seed Grampy in the dumps. He were sittin' at the kitchen table with hims blind ole eyes just a starin' hard on a rusty wored out picture. I axed him, who is ya lookin' at, Grampy? And he tole me what he used of loves a dancin' girl what beed called Honolulu Hilda the Hula Dance Girl. He sayed what she were the beautiest grass shaker he ever did seed; but all a boys all a time wanted for to date her, and so she dated 'em all. Finally I couldn't not take no more a that, Georgie, he tole me, and so I sayed Aloha, and beed on my way. Which, I doesn't knows why he sayed hello when he beed leavin'; but I just axed him, where do she bees now, Grampy? Then hims eye dripped a tear and hims lips quibered. He sayed what over time her grass skirt growed into a haystack as big as the three little pigs house; and I sayed, Yikes! So then she gotted moved into the kitchen for to cook burgers acause she couldn't not shake her grass no more. Then last night her haystack gotted splashed with grease, and she lighted up like a stack a newspapers. Poof. Grampy just stared on me all sad and red eyes and quiberin' and I didn't not has a clue what to say. Finally I tole him, well, I sure is sorry for to hear 'bout yous old flame, Grampy. He blewed up in a sputter a cryin' like a volcano. He couldn't not hardly talk; but I's pretty sure he sayed, go on home, you moron. So I leaved. It bees OK what he called me a moron; I knows he bees sad.