Somethin' very very bees wrong with Momma today. Firsty, she talked rude on me and sayed, come here you smelly boy; you gots to has a bath. So I comed here, and when I seed the bathtub all fulla flowerish bubbles, I thunk Momma musta eated too many watermelon seeds when she beed a baby and now she bees crazy. I sayed, that bees a bath what naked girls sits in and sticks theys legs outta for to shave 'em. I ain't gettin' in there. Then I hadda run, and ditch, and dodge that woman atill she gived up her stupid idea. Now she bees mad on me and she tole me I isn't sleepin' in the bed when I bees smelly. Which, that bees fine with me acause I doesn't wanna sleep there atill she stops bein' crazy.

I seed somethin' unpossible today guess what it beed it beed a ghost! Momma been watchin' her Soap Hoppers and she sayed, Georgie, don't asturb me when I's watchin' my Soap Hoppers; so I goed into the kitchen. There it beed! It been all white and ghosty, and it talked quiet and windy on me. Georgieee, they bees peanut butter on the coun-terrr. I thinks you can prawly reeeech it. Verry goood, Georgieee. Nowww, EAT IT UP! And then it beed gone. I hided the empty jar in the toilet, and I thinks I's prawly not gonna get catched, acause, nobody never spects for to see peanut butter in theys toilet.

At Sunday School yesterday, Clive sayed Mrs. Pearson gots legs what looks like tree trunks and Mrs. Pearson heared that and she beed lookin' all saddish. So I speaked out and I tole her, yous legs ain't like tree trunks, Mrs. Pearson; and she sayed, thanks you, Georgie. Then I sayed, tree trunks bees all big and woody; and plus I never seed no tree trunk what beed hairy as a camel; and Mrs. Pearson just nodded on me. I thinks she couldn't even say nothin' acause I showered her with kindness. She beed all wet with kindness. That bees prawly why she hadda leave for a minute. I feeled glowy inside.

Me and Clive maked our own team today, for to sell apples for to get moneys like little hockey teams does. Our team bees called the Red and White Team, but we doesn't play hockey; we only just sells apples. I only finded three apples in the fridge, but if we tells everbody they bees costing 'bout five or ten dollars each; that gonna be enough for to send our team to the Marvin Marvel Magic Show. We's gonna stand outside a the Barber Shop and get nice haircut mans to buy our apples. Grampy sayed I bees a genieous like Alfred Weinstein. I prawly is.

Grammy had a biggest sneeze today what maked her teeths flew right acrossed the room. Which, how do I bees apposed to know that? And so I sitted on 'em on accident. Then they bited my butt, so I up and stomped on 'em real fast acause I thunk they beed a monster tryin' for to eat me up to deaf, startin' on my butts. Now Grammy bees crazy mad over her broked-up teeth and she been hollerin' on me, but her mouth keeps on bein' filled up with her flappy face, so I doesn't has a clue what she bees sayin'. She keep on hollerin' over an' over, plourge, yow idget, duckie feets. My duckie feets, yow rubber bun pirky idget. I doesn't know what the holy hammer head she bees wantin' me to do for to make her happy.

Grampy goed garbage pickin' today and he bringed me home a bow tie what he sayed bees very handsome-makin' on me. So a course I putted it on and I goed out feelin' all handsomed up; atill I seen Clive and Scabby and them two beed laughin on me so hard what Clive felled right over. Which, then I telled on Clive to Grampy, and Grampy even hadda cross hims legs he beed laughin' so much. If I only hadda nic-tic a braveness, I'd a beed tellin' Grampy, don't you never bring me yous garbage bow ties never again in my whole life. But I's too chicken. I's waitin' for Momma to get home and cut this stupid thing offa me.

Scabby Doyle's Momma talks like a duck. And she beed quackin' on my Momma for to try to get me in troubles acause I does not stop callin' Scabby Scabby even no hims proper name bees Tuffy. So I tole 'em what Scabby sayed, does you wants a Scotch Mint, Georgie? And he gived me bird poop what I putted in my mouth. So guess who gotted in trouble now? Scabby Doyle. That bees who.

I goed to Grammy Bob Sandcock's house today for to say goodbye acause I beed gonna run away and join the circus and she sayed, stop yous clownin' around and have a bowl a corn flakes. Which, that's zactly what I wants to be is a clown! I didn't even gone nowheres yet and Grammy already thunk I bees a clown. Momma sure gonna be happy what she don't gotta be missin' me all a time from I doesn't gots to run away acause I already bees a good clown.

Today at Sunday School, Mrs. Pearson teached us what it bees very very bad for to tell lies. And God don't likes it what so all. Which, I doesn't wanna be knockin' on Him's door and God gonna say, git offa my door you smelly-soul boy. So tonight at supper I besided for to clean up mine soul; and I tole everone what I bees the one what peed on the rug. And I peed on the mailbox, and I eated the table leg and torn up the garbage. This truthin' feeled so good what I keeped on goin; and I tole Momma what this beef stew bees gross, and I tole Grampy what he do gots one ear longer than the tother and it really don't looks so fine like I sayed afore. They looked on me with open-hangin' mouths like as if they bees seein' a angel. I gots a sparkly soul now.

Momma gonna get a big lesson 'bout bareassment, acause I weren't allowed to meet Clive after school on mine own self, and she hadda come with me, and she keeped on rubbin' on mine ears and callin' me Sweetie and alla kids and everbody seen it. That bees bareassment. So tonight we's goin to the church rummage sale and I's dressin' up like a hula girl. And I ain't comin' out atil it bees too late for to change. And I's gonna stick on Momma's leg like mashed potaters on a pot. And lean on her. And rub on her leg atil it bees a vallergic rash. She gonna be bareassed to deaf. Then I's gonna say, how does ya like them fleas in yous pyjamas, Momma? Or, prawly I won't say nothin'.

I tole Momma today what I besided I's gonna be a pirate; and she weren't happy what so all with me. She sayed, Georgie, pirates bees bad boys what chops peoples up and steals theys money. She don't unnerstand what I's a good pirate. I tole her when I says, hello there, scallywags, I bees Captain George the Good Pirate, nobody gonna be ascared on me. Everbody gonna say thanks God you ain't a bad pirate. Come aboard and have a sandwich and take some gold coins for yous Momma. But she just keeped shakin' her head, sayin', no, no, no siree. She bees such a girl. Aarrgh.

I gotted dressed all handsome today acause Momma boughted me a banker shirt at the Goodwill Boutique, and Grampy thunk I beed very spiffy lookin'. He sayed alla girls prawly gonna be sniffin' on me real good. Which, Grammy Bob don't like it when Grampy talks dirty. She tole me, member, Georgie, true handsome bees on a inside a doggies; and Grampy snorkled and sayed that only ugly doggies says things like that. Then Grammy flewed at Grampy and tried a bite hims neck but her teeths gotted stuck in hims collar and the rest a her crashed on the floor. Grampy sayed, Georgie, would you mind to please give that pretty lady back her teeths? But Grammy beed spittin' and snarlin' up a awful storm; and I didn't wanna get my handsome new shirt all spitted up... so now Grammy haven't spoke to none a us all day.

I beed a farmer boy today acause Clive telled me 'bout a game whats called cow-tippin' and how it bees very funny when sleepin' cows gets knocked over and theys little legs sticks out all wiggly and they yells MOO. So when Momma felled asleep on the couch sittin' right straight like she do ever night, I sneakered ahind her and tipped her onto the floor. Her little legs been stickin' out just like them cows! You ain't funny, George, she yelled on me. You wipes yous smirks outta yous face right now. But I hadda hide my face acause I can't get  my smirks offa it. She don't know it,  but when Momma hitted the ground, she even yelled MOO! My Momma bees a heelarious cow.

At Sunday School today Mrs. Pearson been learnin' us alls 'bout lovin' thy neighbour like as if theys mine own self. I tole her that bees unpossible if Mrs. Lebeouf bees yous neighbour, and I sayed what I'm rather Baby Jesus could just boil her head in a big witch pot. I didn't even hafta sit in the hall, neither! Mrs. Pearson thunk I oughta listen and learn somethin' for a change today. Which, I tried, but my head keeped all a time tryin' a think if Momma gots a big enough pot for to lend to Baby Jesus for to boil that big ole head.

Today I been a Law Divorcement Constable what bees called Officer Box; and I beed on patrol for burgulars and drunkyards. 'Cept I never seen any of 'em at my house, so I goed to the bus stop. And guess what? That bus driver sure looked drunk on me; so I gotted on his drunky ole bus to arrest hims drunky-drivin' self. He sayed, put yous money in the box, boy. I tole him, I IS the box. Officer Box. He sayed he bees callin' the police, and I tole him, I IS the police. But he weren't listenin' so good to me. When Officer Bob Thompson drived me home he sayed that he bees seein' me almost as much as he sees Grammy lately. Which, I thinks that bees swell; but he sayed, no, it ain't. When I tole Grammy alls about me and Officer Bob Thompson, she sayed, that bees swell, Georgie. Just like I thunk.

Me and Momma babysitted stupid Velma again today, and astead a playin' Wild West Gunslinger like I wanted to, I hadda play school and Velma maked me be Mrs. Book, the teacher. Then she gotted to pokin' on my page like as if SHE beed the teacher; yippin' and yackerin' 'bout I weren't colourin' inside a the lines. So I bited a big chunk outta her book. And when Momma beed tryin' to break up my ruckus; I eated some crayons, too. Which, now I's fartin' like a fat boy on a bicycle. It smells like Indian Red. This prawly ain't over yet.

Today I drived Momma crazy acause I beed a Mystery Man. When Momma sayed, George, is you hungry? I sayed, maybe I is... and maybe I isn't. When she axed, does I wants a walk? I tole her, maybe I does... and maybe I doesn't. Would I like a liver-snap? Maybe I would... and maybe I doesn't would. I thunk it beed soo funny; 'cept when Momma wanted to know does I needs to go pee-pee and I sayed, maybe I does... and maybe I doesn't. But I forgetted what I hadda go really bad. And Momma been sickintired with my mysteryness. So I hadda have a sneaky pee on the bath mat. Maybe I's gonna be catched... or maybe Momma gonna think, holy crows, I musta hadda super wet bath tonight!

I seen a strangest and a luckiest thing today. When I beed playin' around the hallway, alls of a suddenly, a little boy what looks just like me pops up right a front a my eye. When I stands, he stands. When I sits, he sits. He don't say nothin' the whole time. Which, that beed gettin' me mad, so I yells, STOP COPYIN' ME on him. And he yells back on me zactly the same time. Momma sayed, George, why is you barkin' yous fool head off? So I shows her the strange boy, and she laughed. She sayed, that bees you, Georgie, look... and when she petted my head; hims head been petted too. It bees too hard for my magination. But the lucky thing is; next time somethin' bees broke, or chewed, or piddled on, prawly it's gonna be that other George what done it.

At dinner tonight Momma sayed she maked a New Year's Revolution for to lose her fat ass. So I tole her, don't worry, Momma, I's gonna help you find yous fat ass if you loses it. But she sayed, no, Georgie, it bees a RE-VO-LUTION; that's what makes you stop doing bad habits. I's gonna quit swearin' and spittin' on the sidewalk, I tole her. Which, she alls a suddenly beed mad and sayed that was a disgustin' thing and I should be my shamed a myself. So I sayed, well, maybe I's tired a all a time I gots to say what my Momma bees that girl over there with the big fat ass. She never eated no more a her dinner after that. I's prawly helpin' her Revolution.