Well me an' Momma hasn't hadded a fight since a long time; but we sure done up a ripper of a argue  tonight. All acause she leaved her shoes where they shouldn't oughta beed, an' I had a little taste. So Momma gotted on her explodey eyeballs an firsty she sayed, don't not even look at me, George! I is so deesgusted on you! But then when I weren't lookin' she hollered, you look at me when I is talkin' to you! I looked on her, but the parently then she jus' plain didn't like my face acause she tole me to took it off. Which, that maked me flustrated acause how is I apposed of took my own face offa my face, so I blurtled out, Momma, if you loves them shoes sooo much, why doesn't ya jus' run away with em'? I weren't even tryin' a be funny atill I heared what my own self sayed; an' then me an' Betsy laughed an' laughed an' laughed. Momma prawly jus' didn't unnerstan' the whole joke of it. She still bees mad. I ain't the loud lookin' on her again right now.

So my big little older sister Betsy thinks what she bees a big fat designer dog an' she gots Momma sewin' up a whack a doggy coats what she have thunk up. Well, that wouldn't not nevermind me so much 'cept for; guess who gottsa put the stupid things on for to took a picture? My Momma have beed makin' me dress up in BIG GIRL COATS! Please, if everbody gonna go at biggirlsbybetsy.com an' see all a the coats an' such... an' then if yous guys gonna buy 'em all up... yous gonna save my life!
God bless yous.

Today at Sunday School I beed prayin' so hard I prawly gots blisters on my soul. Then Mrs. Pearson sayed, George! Why is you actin' all Bob Noxious sittin' there mutterin' at yous own self? Pay attention! So I tole her, I is prayin' is all, Mrs. Pee. Which, she hates bein' called Mrs. Pee. An' I splained 'bout how me an' Grampy was watchin' movies last night, an' we been eatin' popcorn with our movies; so Grampy snucked Grammy's teeths outta her water dish after she goed to bed acause they bees the bestest popcorn chompers in the world. But now today Grammy bees madder an' a fat girl on a diet, sayin' what she keeps tastin' Orville Baker in her mouth. She throwed Grampy outside an' he ain't the loud back in even know he bees so thirsty. So, I sayed, Mrs. Pearson, that bees why I is prayin' to the Tooth Fairy, for to get Grampy a new set a good popcorn teeths afore he thirsties to deaf outside. Well, Mrs. Pearson standed there, an' her mouth keeped on movin' like as if there beed words all lined up an' ready for to go... but nothin' comed out. Nothin' what so all. I's prawly gonna hafta find out if there bees a Talkin' Fairy somewheres; prawly say a couple a prays for her too.

Well, look like Momma winned again. She gots me wearin' the BIG GIRL SEX IN THE CITY coat; an' I ain't even apposed of say s-e-x. I tried a argue on her 'bout I don't not wanna wear these stupid Big Girl clothes, but Momma sayed, jus' hush yous self George an' stan' still! Try an' look like a Poodle. Now, Georgie, say what Momma tole ya. Which, that bees that this stupid coat gots a riginal fake purse an' bees maked outta warm soft cosy cuddly an' stylish fleece. I ain't sayin' it. Long hairs don't cares.... oooh....noooo... Look what my Momma have did to me!

I tole Momma what I ain't wearin' no girlie coat for yous pictures... Clive an' Scabby Doyle has already beed callin' me Georgina an' axin', where's yous high heels, Georgina? But Momma jus' only sayed, yes you is, Mister. You gottsa support yous sister an' her inventions. You is gonna show-off Big Girls By Betsy; plus-sized coats for to keep them big girls warm in style; acause you wanna bees a good brother. Which, I don't even cares. Momma tole me I is gonna tole everbody what I is wearin' BIG GIRL GOES DANCIN', by Betsy. An' I is apposed of say what it features a genuine 18 carrots fake gold studded belt an' necklace, an' super duper warm fleece. But I tole Momma, no way hosey! You is not flyin' my picture alls over the internest lookin' like this. Betsy gots lots the nother coats what I ain't gonna model, neither. I tole Clive an' Scabby what Momma bees makin' me support my sister, an' now they gots everbody callin' me Wonderbra.

So there bees a new game what everbody has beed playin' alls aroun' the town called POKE-YER-MOM-AN-GO! I thunk, what a fun thing that gonna be for to play on my Momma; an' I tole Betsy an' Grammy an' Grampy, why doesn't we surprise Momma tonight? So we all everbody eated our supper all mannerish, then when Momma were cleanin' off the table an' she axed us for to help her... we started to pokin'! Betsy poked her with her spoon, I poked her with a fork, Grammy nailed her with a pot lid, (which, that beed more of a slug astead of a poke), an' then Grampy slapped her butts. Momma didn't got the clue what were goin' on what so all. She beed screamin', stop yous idiots! Is yous all goed crazy? An' we was all yellin', POKE-YER-MOM! POKE-YER-MOM! But guess what? We was all havin' so much fun pokin' her what we forgotted to go. Now not none a us is gonna be the loud to go nowheres for a good long time. That bees what Momma tole us. So, if you's gonna play POKE-YER-MOM.... for the love a Pete, don't not forget to giddy-up an' go!

At Sunday School today, Mrs. Pearson beed teachin' us childrens alls 'bout  sharin', an' share an' share alike, an' don't not be so greedy acause that bees the seven deadish sin. That beminded me 'bout a story what Grampy tole me 'bout hims cousint Stanley Stanley. Grampy sayed what Stanley Stanley haved a wife called Sharon; 'cept for everbody called her Sharin' Sharon on account a she beed a floozy. Which, I ain't sure what that means, but Grampy sayed, that woman beed looser 'an a turkey's neck, Georgie. My poor cousint beed so bareassed when everbody sayed, oh look, here comes Stanley Stanley an' Sharin' Sharon ever time they goed anywheres. Stanley Stanley finally hadda deevorce Sharin' Sharon acause she keeped on bringin' home crabs, Grampy tole me. Maybe he were vallergic to seafood, I ain't sure. But I tole Mrs. Pearson what that story bees a very good zample 'bout sharin', specially the crab part acause all the Postles beed fishin' men too! Mrs. Pearson jus' sayed, thank you George. I thinks she prawly beed surprised what I knows so much 'bout all the Postles an' stuff.

Mrs. Pearson felled down at Sunday School today acause she beed wearin' fancy clicky shoes an' she don't knows how to walk in 'em so good. Which, that prawly could a beed a terrible thing; 'cept for she looked like a circus lady when she goed down. An' plus, me an' Clive an' Scabby all seen  her undies. Clive sayed, hey fellas, look like Mrs. Pearson have stoled our club-house tent! Scabby sayed, unh, unh, Clive, she gots a double-wide under that dress for sures. Well, we was laughin' on our own selves acause we bees so funny, an' I tole the boys, we sure as shootin' could have a big party in Mrs. Pearson's pants! Which, that kinda beed jus' plain gross astead a funny, an' we all goed quiet acauase a the ugly picture we gotted sticked in our brains. An' plus, Mrs. Pearson heared me, so she beed yellin' on me all a ways inside; madder 'an a donkey full a ticks. She bees limpin' now. I is still prayin' at all a holy saints or angels or some-the-nother-body for to derase the Mrs. Pearson Pants Party outta my head.

So tonight at supper, I pronounced for everbody to knows what I bees in love with the beautifullest little Pug I has ever seed what's called Betty Davis. Grampy gotted all spit-talky an' he sayed, what? A pig? Not no grandson a mine gonna bees fallin' for no pig, Georgie; it jus' ain't not right. Then Betsy tole Grampy, not a pig, Grampy, Georgie bees in love with a BUG. Acause she gots eyes what bugs out like she bees blowin' up balloons all a time, forout ever stoppin'. Theys ploblably gonna has a bunch a baby bugs if they gets married, right Georgie? Well, Momma stomped her fork down an' sayed, there bees no talkin' 'bout sex at the dinner table, that ain't the propriate! Some mashed potatoes flewed outta Momma's mouth when she sayed, s-e-x; so we all a us started laughin' on her, an' I thunk she were gonna bust out a cry atill Grammy sayed, speakin' a sex; I gottsa go git ready for my karaoke! Then Momma an' Grampy both beed deesgusted on Grammy; an' ahind everbody's back Betsy keeped on callin' me Georgie the Bugger Boxer Boy.  So, I has besided what I's prawly gonna hafta fall in love with some nother girl some nother time. An' then I ain't tellin' nobody nothin' 'bout it neither.

Today when Momma were gittin' Betsy ready for Sunday School, she keeped on sayin', oh, who bees the prettiest girl aroun'? Who beeees the prettiest girl?? Over 'n over 'n over 'n over atill I started tastin' my breakfast again. Finally I hadda sayed, does ya thinks what yous Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Momma? Then Betsy tole me, Momma says I looks jus' like Snow White, Georgie. That must of means what you ploblably is the Seventeen Warts what I lives with! An' she beed talkin' all princessy, puffin up her hairs an' her stupid dress. Well, firsty, Professor Hindstone, I tole her, it bees Sevendy Wharfs where Snow White was livin'. An' plus, I ain't not never bein' nobody's wharf. But Momma an' Betsy was both a them laughin' on me, tryin' a beside do they wannas call me Grumpy, or Sneezy... Then Momma sayed, oh, crispy cringles, look at the time! Yous childrens gottsa git goin. Now you be a good boy an' walk yous sister to school, Dopey! I can't not hardly wait atill I's twenty-six or thirty an' I can move the heck outta here.

Today Clive an' Scabby Doyle beed mad on me for some the nother reason, so I hadda play with my maginary friend whats called Bucky The Farm Boy What Can Eat A Cob A Corn Frew A Barbie Wire Fence. Which, I has never seed nobody eat a cob a corn frew a fence afore; so Bucky an' me figured we was gonna try it with Mr. Brown's fence. 'Cept for his fence bees made a wood. Well, Mr. Brown comed over after supper for to visit Momma, an' the next what I knewed, she were screamin' on me like the time I sticked a fork in the toaster. Seem like Mr. Brown sayed what somebody have chewed the daylights outta his wood fence. An' then he sayed what that were me what done it. Momma drugged me out for to took a look, an' sure the nuff; the daylights beed chewed right the heck outta that fence alright. Now we gottsa fix this fence, George, Momma sayed. What the carnation was you thinkin' for to do somethin' like this? I tried a tole her what Bucky done it, but she weren't listenin'. I has never meeted no Bucky afore, she sayed. So I splained 'bout Bucky The Farm Boy What Can Eat A Cob A Corn Frew A Barbie Wire Fence; an' she sayed what me an' Bucky prawly oughta go an' live on a funny farm. Leastwise, I thinks she sayed somethin' like that; she were druggin' me by my ear the whole darn time, so I couldn't hardly hear too good.

I hadded a bad day today on account a Grammy an' Grampy beed in a terrible argue all day long. I still ain't sure what they was even fightin' over. Firsty Grammy sayed, Edward, is ya ever gonna look on that kitchen tap I axed ya to? Grampy sayed, Maisy, if it ain't broke, I don't not fix it. Well, a stitch in time saves nine, Edward, she sayed back on him. Why doesn't you jus' try then Maisy; is yous hands painted on? Maybe I will, Grammy barked. I prawly doesn't need yous help. After alls, a fool with a tool still jus' bees a fool any ole how. Ain't that the pot callin' the kettle black, Grampy sayed right afore he spitted. Oh, why does I even bother, Grammy sayed, everbody knows what ya can't not teach a ole dog new tricks. They keeped on gittin' louder an' louder, and sayin' stuff what beed stupider an' stupider atill I finally axed 'em for to pipe down. Grammy tole me I gots a chip outta my shoulder, an' Grampy sayed what they shoulda throwed me out with the bathwater when I beed a baby. I jus' sayed well, a least yous two ain't fightin' with each the nother now. But Grampy sayed, don't not count yous chickens afore they bees hatched, son... it ain't not over atill the fat lady sings. Then Grammy throwed a plate. Home sweet home.

Betsy denounced today at breakfast what she gonna bees a fashion model, so she can only eat kale smoothies from now goin'. I tole her, Betsy! You's talkin' crazy. Ya looks like a little horsey, not no model. Grampy tole me what I is pretty, she sayed, all handsy-hipsy. Well a course Grampy gonna tole ya that, Betsy, I sayed. He bees blind as a bean bag on account a them cadillacs in his eyes. Bemember, Grammy leaved him acause she's rather has a man what gots cadillacs in his driveway, astead a his head? Betsy, Grampy even tole Momma what she bees a pretty girl! It don't means nothin'. He did? She axed me. He done called Momma pretty? Yeppers. Ya might as well jus' go on an' gobble up that kibble, I tole her. Not gonna make no nevermind. An' that prawly beed the first time what she have ever done like I sayed.

I waked up from my nap today with a nose full a stink; like a pile a dead froggies stirred up with a house on fire. Well I right away quick  runned aroun' screamin' 9-1-1...9-1-1... git outta the house everbody... acause I thunk what I were savin' my family's life. Like a hero. But Momma jus' sayed, why is you makin' such the motion, Georgie? You's actin' all foolish. I tole her, Momma, this place smells like a scary movie. We gottsa git, Momma; there must of bees some kinda poison gas let loose in here. C'mon! For your information, Mr. Smart Alex, Momma sayed, (forout movin' her lips), I is cookin' a new recipe for supper tonight, an' you is gonna eat it, an' you is gonna joy it. Which, no I ain't. I'm rather starve to deaf astead a choke to deaf. Prawly Grampy bees thinkin' the same thing like me, too. I hadda tole him, go find yous own hidey hole, they ain't room for two in here.

Momma gotted mad on me today an' I weren't hardly even doin' nothin' wrong. For fact, I were jus' belaxin' an' watchin' TV. GEORGE MADIGAN! She hollered. How many times does I gottsa tell ya: NO FOOD ON THE COUCH? If you is gonna live under my roof, you is gonna do like I says. Which, I ain't livin' under the roof; we gots a bunch a squirrels livin' there. So I beminded her 'bout that, an' I tole her, they ain't no food on the couch, Momma, only my butts. My mouth bees in the air, see? But she beed so flustered up there weren't no talkin' to her. She jus' grabbed a bottle a water outta her licorice cabinet an' distappeared to her room. I hasn't seed a hidey hair a hers since The Ellen Show. Me an' Betsy is gittin' pretty hungry now; but I sure as shootin' ain't axin' Momma when she gonna git us some supper. Prawly bees a good thing I hadded that snack after alls.

Today when I were walkin' Momma she beed goin' so slow, an' her leash were tuggin' on my neck so hard what I finally axed her, is ya tryin' a decaffeinate me or somethin', Momma? Pick up them feets an' walk, would ya? Then Momma tole me what her feets bees too sore on account a she gots a thritis in 'em. So I tole her, well, git that thritis outta there an' let's go! But it don't works like that, she sayed. I's gonna gotta git to the doctor; I prawly needs a drug for to fix it. Well I jus thunk, Momma don't needs no doctor; I can drug her right the heck now! An' then I done zactly that. I drugged her roun' that whole tire block, cryin' an' all; faster 'an I has ever ever goed afore. I didn't even nevermind 'bout my poor lil neck, neither. An' guess what? Not the nother word outta her 'bout that ole thritis! That must of beed a good ole miracle drug what I gived Momma!

Mrs. Pearson comed to Sunday School today with her dress on crookit, an' her hair all lookin' like funder an' lightenin'.  Yous childrens gottsa save yous soles, she beed tellin' us very loudish. Which, I sayed, well, I ain't worried 'bout my soles, Mrs. Pearson, acause Momma prawly gonna jus' git me some new shoes if my soles bees wored out. GEORGE MADIGAN! I is talkin' 'bout the unvisible SOUL what God have putted in yous belly. What is full a lovin' kindness an' goodness, an' you sure the heck dang best of be thinkin' 'bout savin' yous SOUL, young man. She hollered so hard  my toes was jigglin'. So now I is savin' up alls my lovin' kindness for the Soul Train To Heaven. I tole Betsy what she bees too fat for to wear her bathin' suit an' maked her cry. Then I tole Scabby Doyle what nobody likes him, an' his Momma looks like a man. If I woulda knowed it coulda beed so easy for to be pleasin' to the Lord Of High, I prawly woulda started a couple weeks ago.

Ever sometime I likes a betend what I is a English Bulldog what's called George; an' I talks with a accent, like, Riff Riff. Which, I beed doin' that today when I taked Momma for her walk. We stopped for a sec so's a ole lady can pet Momma, an' I sayed, boys oh boys, I'm jus' love a mug a spotted tea right now! Acause Clive telled me what them Englishies loves theys spotted tea. The ole lady laughed like Cap'n Crunch, har, har, har, an' sayed, ain't you a cutie...(little English Bulldog, she were prawly thinkin'.) But Momma weren't so hardy-har what so all. Why is you talkin' so stupid, George, she axed me. I don't not unnerstans what yous sayin', Momma, on account a I is English, I tole her. She sayed, oh, for cripe sakes, take me home now! I guess I must of walked her right out today.

Betsy tole me what I looks like a big green idiot today, but I sayed, no I doesn't. I looks like a fat green leper. A case ya prawly doesn't knows; tomorrow bees Saint Fatty's Day I tole her. I is dressin' up like a leper today for to bemind Momma what she oughta hurry on up to the Big Girl Shop an' git herself some green gitup afore all the nother fatties buys everthin' up like last year. Saint Fatty bees the Pre-tend saint a fatties, an' ever year they's apposed of dress all green an' drink beer for to say, thanks, Saint Fatty! Betsy goed, O-M-G George! (Which, that ain't even how ya spells my name.) It bees Saint Paterix Day; an' you is apposed of be a Leprechaun. I never sayed nothin'. I thunk, no sense tryin' for to splain it all over again. Like Grampy all a time says, sometime ya jus can't not fix stupid!

Me an' Momma hadded a little argue this mornin' 'bout  how come I hadda stay home from Sunday School acause I beed so too busy fightin' crimes. Finally she sayed, well fine then, George. You can wear yous silly super coat; but I better not dare hear 'bout no shenanigans. Which, I ain't gonna be shenanigatin' when I's on duty. Everthin' prawly woulda beed all right, too, 'cept for that big mouth Scabby Doyle hadda gone an' been his big mouth ole self. He telled all a girls what I were lookin' at theys undiewears with my x-ray eyeballs. So a course they all goed cryin' at Mrs. Pearson; an' then Mrs. Pearson sayed, George! That bees quite the nuff a yous shenanigans! That were zactly how come Momma been gettin' mad on me the head a time! My Momma must of bees superish like me! So, I's prawly gonna git in super trouble now; an' I didn't even git to did a single shootin' gootin' shenan.

We gots a new girl at Obee Dance School whats name bees Bella; an' Mrs. Barker sayed what everbody oughta make her comferble. So I sayed, hi Bella, I is George. An' then I sayed, how's 'bout a little kiss? Acause she bees the beautifullest poodle of a girl I has ever seed. Bella tole me, George, I'm rather pour boiling oil in my ears. So I axed her, well, how's 'bout after yous done with the oil? An' she sayed, then, I'm rather stick pins in my eyes. Well, when yous done with yous eyes an' yous ears, ya wanna gimme a little kiss then? I'm rather git eated up alls over by a gazillion giant fleas atill all my shiny curls falls off, she tole me. Well, then my magination gotted in my eyes an' alls I was seein' were this scabby red eye droopy ear girl an' I thunk what she bees way too ugly for kissin'on; so I jus' goed away. I's prawly never gonna unnerstan them girls. That Bella bees pretty-lookin' jus' the way she bees. She don't needs to be doin' all that fixin' up for to git prettier. Jus' bees too much pretty-fixin', I say.

So I taked Momma for her walk today an' we beed havin' a nice ole time sniffin' out all a news 'bout who has beed where in the neighbours hood. All a trees was screamin' up my nose, pee on meeee! No, pee on meeee, each the nother one sayed. An' that beed all fine as dandy atill we gotted 'bout half the quarter ways home; then Momma gotted to tuggin' on her leash to beat the band. C'mon, George, hurry up! C'mon, George. I gived her my eyeballs what says, I's a little busy right now; an' then she pretty near breaked  my hang dang neck. C'MON GEORGE I HAS TO PEE! Well, what the carnation, I thunk. We prawly has jus' goed passed fifty or a hundred trees. But a course, my Momma gottsa go home an' pee in the fountain. Which, that have maked my incision. I quits! From now on, I's jus' takin' my own self out walkin'. Leave Momma at home. I's gonna hafta git her some big girl diapers astead. Yup. Big fat girl diapers.