I gotted a bad dose a the whiplash today, and it bees all Momma's own fault. I didn't not wanna play with Velma acause she bees a stupid girl; but Momma maked me. So I sayed, OK, but we is playin' a boys game, then. I tole Velma what we is playin' Tow Truck; and I tied a rope onto her, and then onto me. You bees Two Ton Tessie, I tole her, and I is gonna tow you outta the ditch. 'Cept, I never knowed what my rope beed a bungee cord. And when I were towin' Two Ton, it gotted longer and longer, atill all on a suddenly, Two Ton Tessie flewed past me like a rocket ship. Then I flewed. Then she flewed again; then Momma runned after us screamin' on me for to stop. Which, finally, I hitted a tree. And Two Ton Tessie hitted me and pretty near breaked me in half. After when Momma gotted us all undid; she gived Velma a milk bone for to shut her up. I didn't not even care, too. Prawly acause I were rather just has a Yambylance. But Momma wouldn't not call one. She sayed, you is gonna be fine, George. Whiplash ain't fine.

 

Everbody bees ascared a this bully what bees called Wolfgang the Schnauzer; but I tole him, jus' acause ya gots a wolf 'n a gang in yous name, that don't makes you so tough you hairy face shorty pants. Then, bing-bang... I beed on the ground! He jus' looked down on me and sayed what I better knows some Partial Arts afore I bees messin' with him again. So now I is Ju Jitsu George. And I is gonna has a black belt as soon as I gets some lessons. I axed Grammy can she got me a Ju Jitsu Dojo; but I shoulda yelled on her acause she gotted all mad and twisted my ear. She sayed what I don't not deserves no jujubes if I is gonna call her rude names. You can take yous fancy pee-jammies right up to bed, she tole me. I keeps forgettin' what Grammy has catched the heart of hearin' offa her foolish-headed karoake. Momma telled me that.

We hadded a picnic fun day at Obee Dance School today, but it weren't so much fun for me acause I never winned nothin'. Even Gimpy Morgan winned a soccer ball in the three-legged race. Which, that weren't fair acause Gimpy only gots three legs anyhows. That bees how come I kicked hims stupid ball and it gotted stucked in a tree. Then baby Gimpy hadda tole on me; and Mrs. Barker sayed, Mr. George, did you did that on purpose? Stucked Gimpy's ball in that tree like that? I tole her, no, M'am. I were tryin' a kick it into the traffic, but that tree beed in the way. So she maked me sit down atill I can behave with propriately. But I jus' thunk, it don't not bees so propriate for to give a three legs doggie a soccer ball any ole how. He  gonna fell over sideways, else longways if he tries a kick it. One or the tother. Prawly he oughta quit cryin' up that tree and think on that for a minute.

I is pretty darn tootin' sure what Momma never gonnas let me has a pet. So today I hadded a great idea, and I tole her what I really really needs a brother or a sister. ('Cept I only wants a sister if it don't gots a be a girl.) But Momma sayed, oh Georgie, you is everthin' to me. We doesn't need nobody else. Which, that bees dandylions for her; but what about me? So I been hidin' all the liver long day today, and when Momma say, Georgie, where is you? I jus' bees quiet and don't not hardly breathes. Prawly in a couple or a few days, she gonna get us a beautiful baby beagle. I hopes what she better wouldn't not dare 'n get no cat. I'm rather stick a fork in mine eye.

I almost hadded a sleep-over at Clive's last night, and me 'n Clive 'n Scabby maked a boys club. Even know we bees rather to has a treehouse clubhouse; we hadda use a tent astead acause we bees doggies. So we maked up the tent in the basement and tole Velma, you gots a git outta here acause they bees no girls allowed at the boys club clubhouse tent. Then Velma gotted to cryin' like thunder and I sayed, look out fellas, I thinks I hears a big fat bear. So Velma runned and tole Aunt Spot what I were callin' her fat. Which, I were callin' the BEAR fat. But Aunt Spot sayed what I knowed what the big fat bear beed Velma, didn't I? I sayed, uh huh; and Aunt Spot sayed I ain't allowed for to sleep over atill I gets some manners. I tole Aunt Spot, prawly it would gonna be very rude on me if I tells a bear, hey, you is a scrawny ole bear; but she sayed, you is just makin' things worser and worser, George. Go call yous Momma.

Momma were gettin' ready for to go to a Masturbade Ball tonight what bees for to give monies to ole peoples what can't not bemembers very good now. She beed all, Georgie, has you seed my car keys? I can't not find my earrings! Oh, where in the haystack do them fancy dance shoes bees? So I thunk what Momma must of bees goin' to the right place for to masturbade 'n dance all night. Acause, after everbody bees finished theys masturbadin'; prawly Momma can line up for to get some monies, too.

When Grammy gotted home from the beer shop this mornin', she finded me knocked up unconscious on the grass acause I were betendin' I beed a squirrell and I felled outta the tree. She shooked me for to wake up and sayed, oh, Georgie, is ya OK? And I just sayed, huh? Acause I catched the magnesia, and I didn't not know what Grammy beed Grammy. I never even knowed what I beed I. She axed me, does ya knows yous name, Georgie? I sayed, maybe I bees Roscoe Boscoe. Then she axed, well, does ya knows who I is? I tole her, ya looks like Hagatha the Homely Homeless Orphan. She clobbered me on my head with her beer bag; and all in a suddenly, Grammy beed Grammy again. She sayed, I knowed what a hair a the dog what bited ya would fix ya up. Which, that sure the haystack weren't no doggie hair. But I just goed inside for to put ice on my gooses egg afore she setted her brains for to clobber me again.

One time I telled on Scabby acause he sayed, George, you is stupid; and I sayed, I knows you is, but what are I? Then Momma teached me a poem what sayed: sticks and stones gonna breaks yous bones, but names can't not never hurts ya. So today when Scabby tole me, George, you is a idiot, I bemembered Momma's lesson and I whacked him on hims knee with a big ole stick. He runned away cryin' like a little girl. I thunk 'bout callin' after him, and I were gonna say, look on that scaredy bunny hoppin' away; acause he weren't runnin' very good. Which, I didn't not say nothin'; acause Momma beed right 'bout callin' names. Sticks 'n stones bees way better. 'Cept, I hasn't tried stones yet. Prawly next time maybe I's gonna try stones.

Last night I hadda go at the hospital acause I eated baby Masey's diaper on accident. And then the luckiest thing what ever happened - happened. When I were waitin' for to puke up the diaper, a ole lady rolled in on a chair what hadded wagon wheels. Her skins was all long and scaly, and she hadded twiggy fingers and white hairs. And a scuba-divin' tank. When I seed that tank, my brains goed, PINGO! You bees lookin' on a real-to-life-Mermaid, George. I doesn't knows why they taked that poor ole Mermaid outta the river, but I's glad what they did. Acause, that bees how come I were so lucky. For to see a Mermaid. Prawly, I hopes what she just gonna hafta puke up a dirty fish or somethin', then they gonna throw her back. Then she gonnas be lucky, too. Just like me.

Momma foolished me again today when she gotted home from work. She were talkin' like Little Nancy Neighbour and sayed, come here, Georgie; I gots you somethin'. A course, I's all a time hopin' what some day Momma gonnas make a good surprise on me, so I comed here, and she sayed, look, Georgie. I boughted you some thongs! That bees deesgustin', Momma, I tole her. I ain't wearin' no girls undiewears. Then she sayed what them thongs bees for mine feets. That woman has felled offa her rockets. She maked me put them thong things on and take her for her walk. Which, that beed horrible. My back feets been steppin' on my front feets, and then all a my feets gotted stucked and my chin hitted the ground and my toes beed pretty near tore off. Next time what Momma talks on me like Little Nancy Neighbour, I ain't comin' here what so all.

I didn't not had a good day today. Momma tole me, stay inside today, George, it bees rainin' cats 'n dogs. Which, I thunk, well I gotsa see that. So I putted on my brella and I goed out for to has a look-see; and Mr. Brown sayed, hey, Georgie! Whats you doin' out here? It bees rainin' buckets! Then the mailman tole me, it bees a lovely day for ducks, George! I were walkin' all aroun' the town and I never seed no cats 'n  dogs, no ducks, no buckets. It just only were rainin' rain. I gotted so wet what I were ascared what my fur gonna shrink on me. Then Momma gonna say, George! You bees like a little baby now! You goed out in that rain and gotted shrunked up, didn't you? But even know I never gotted shrunked, Momma still gonna knows what I wented outside, and prawly she gonna be mad on me. I thinks what I catched my deaf of ammonia.

Me and Scabby Doyle beed laughin' today 'bout how come lotsa lotsa doggies is lookin' like theys Momma and Daddy peoples. Mr. Brown look like hims bassett hound, Sandford. And Miss Raquel look just a same as she's afghan, Giselle. Then all on a sudden, I thunk, hey, wait a minute... I runned fast fast home for to tole Momma, guess what, Momma? Come look in the mirror, Momma. See yous hair-do? It bees just like a pair a flappy ears! And look on yous face, Momma. Yous face hang down past yous chins, just as same as me. You even drools outta yous cheeks if you smells food; and I doos that too! You looks zactly the same like me, Momma! Well, Momma busted up a cry what I ain't heared since we hadded a full moon. Prawly she bees all proudish acause no one never gonna hafta say, hey, Georgie, who's yous Momma? Acause everbody all a time can tole what my Momma bees that boxer-dog-face lady.

Momma tole me what I is a sad sock feelin' sorry for mine own self today and so she gonnas name it Poor George Day. Which, I does bees poor George. I has beed growin' my hairs ever since I were borned, and I still gots a wear fur pants what looks like theys maked outta eyebrows. And even know it beed a beauty shiny day outside, I only were too hot acause I don't gots no tail for to breeze me up. I only gots a stub. And my brains was boilin' acause Momma won't not let me gots perky ears and so my air holes bees closed over by a couple a flapjacks. But now Momma gonnas cheery me up and take me for to get ice cream. Then she hadda go 'n sayed, now, Georgie, you knows what you can only has a small cone, right? And she sayed it all happyish; which, that just maked me a sadder of a sock. I sayed, yes Momma, I knows, I knows. I is black toes intolerant.

Everbody bees mad on me today and it ain't even mine own fault. First on alls, Grampy maked a big fart and sayed, that one sure doos gots teeths in it! So I axed him, was you wearin' Grammy's teeths again, Grampy? Acause I figured what maybe he swallered 'em on accident, and that bees how come he bees fartin' 'em out now. So then Grampy beed mad what I tole on him 'bout usin' Grammy's teeths. And then Grammy been mad acause she don't likes nobody talkin' 'bout her fakey teeths. And then Momma gotted mad acause she thunk what it beed ME what were talkin' 'bout farts and she sayed, don't not talk so rude, George, fart bees a dirty word. Which, no it ain't. And farts don't gots teeths, neither. But at the endin', they was all fartin' and squabblin', and nobody were listenin' to me what so all.