Momma bees all a time gettin' mad on me acause I gots a chase ever squirrel what I sees and I is draggin' her too hard on her leash. She don't unnerstans what squirrels gots radar what goes right inside a my head and then my legs just gets goin' all by theys selves. So I avented a special Squirrel Radar Blocker Hat for to keep them outta my head; 'cept it don't not works acause I never knewed it, but they gets in through my eyes even. Today Momma sayed maybe she gots a strap me into the moron seat in a shoppin' cart and take me clackity-clack down the sidewalk and everbody gonna say, hey, do that bees George the boxer dog in that moron seat? Do that bees what you wants Georgie? She axed me. Which, no, it ain't. So I shutted my eyes for to keep them fur-coat rats out; and then a course I hadda walk slow, acause I couldn't not see nothin'. Prawly I were lookin' like a moron any ole how; but I doesn't knows, acause my eyes beed slammed shut.

Today at Sunday School Mrs. Pearson teached us for to be grateful for everthins' what we haves. So when she axed, do anybody can help me with the garbage today? I putted up my hand for to show her what I bees full a great, just like she been sayin'. But then I thunk, why does I gonna waste all this good garbage? I oughts a eat it astead. When Mrs. Pearson catched me eatin' up the garbage, she screamed on me, Georgie! What the earths is you thinkin'? I tole her what I beed thinkin' on poor puppies what don't gots a get a eat good garbage like this. She sayed, go wipe off yous face; and don't not be smart with me, young man. So I sayed, duh, okee dokee,  Mrs. Pearson. And I were talkin' all stupidish. Which, that maked her madder on madder; and prawly I's pretty darn sure what she gonna tole Momma on me.

Today I eated Momma's glasses and she sayed don't me dare say what I eated 'em on accident; and it weren't no accident. But if I tells the holy truths and don't not lies, Momma all a time says what I isn't gonna get in trouble. Momma breaked the rules. She were screamin' on me like a jungle monkey what gotted hims banana stealed by a big ole ape. She sayed she never seed such a mess of a pair a glasses afore. So I tole her, Momma, you can has my Rock Star glasses what I winned at Scabby Doyle's birthday party; they isn't a mess. No, George, she sayed. I needs subscription glasses for to see. I can't not see nothin' without 'em. Which, I thunk, how come can she sees what them glasses bees a mess if she can't not see without them messy glasses? Prawly she don't not needs 'em what so all. She just bees makin' a monkey fuss over nothin'.

Grammy likes a sip on cocks tails ever time it bees the humps day. And her girls comes over and they sips cocks tails, too. And they plays cards and talks dirty. But today Grammy bees tic-toc crazy shinin' up the house for to make it looks like a magazine. She sayed it bees acause the new girl, Bijou Laurette Finkel bees comin' over and Grammy don't wants her to think what we lives like dogs. How come this Bijou bees so special, Grammy? I axed her. Not Bijou, George, she sayed. Bijou Laurette Finkel. She gots THREE names. And she lives in that big fancy Finkel house. And she gets her hairs did at the Doggie Saloon. So I tole Grammy, well, yous real name bees Grammy Bob Sandcock; bemember? So you is fancy, too! She just sayed what I better go and tell Momma what she wants me. So I goed and I tole her. She didn't not wants me. Prawly Grammy were ascared what I beed gonna tell fancy pantsy Bijou what Grammy gots three names, too. Prawly ole fancy pantsy woulda gotted all jealous on Grammy. Grammy Bob Sandcock, I mean.

 

 

Today has beed the first time what I ever seed Grampy in the dumps. He were sittin' at the kitchen table with hims blind ole eyes just a starin' hard on a rusty wored out picture. I axed him, who is ya lookin' at, Grampy? And he tole me what he used of loves a dancin' girl what beed called Honolulu Hilda the Hula Dance Girl. He sayed what she were the beautiest grass shaker he ever did seed; but all a boys all a time wanted for to date her, and so she dated 'em all. Finally I couldn't not take no more a that, Georgie, he tole me, and so I sayed Aloha, and beed on my way. Which, I doesn't knows why he sayed hello when he beed leavin'; but I just axed him, where do she bees now, Grampy? Then hims eye dripped a tear and hims lips quibered. He sayed what over time her grass skirt growed into a haystack as big as the three little pigs house; and I sayed, Yikes! So then she gotted moved into the kitchen for to cook burgers acause she couldn't not shake her grass no more. Then last night her haystack gotted splashed with grease, and she lighted up like a stack a newspapers. Poof. Grampy just stared on me all sad and red eyes and quiberin' and I didn't not has a clue what to say. Finally I tole him, well, I sure is sorry for to hear 'bout yous old flame, Grampy. He blewed up in a sputter a cryin' like a volcano. He couldn't not hardly talk; but I's pretty sure he sayed, go on home, you moron. So I leaved. It bees OK what he called me a moron; I knows he bees sad.

ONE NEW FAVOURITE WORD

AND THEN I USES IT IN A SENTENCE

 

1. CROTCHETY

 

A CROTCHETY ole man don't means what he gots a big crotch, it only means what he bees cranky; and maybe even he bees so CROTCHETY all acause hims crotch ain't big what so all.

Today at Sunday School, Mrs. Pearson telled us a story what beed apposed a make our minds all easy for to know what God bees takin' care a us forever 'n ever amen. But now I is very very worried acause we heared 'bout one time there beed two hundred hungry peoples at the park; and even know Jesus only hadded two fishies, He maked a miracle and feeded everbody millions a globes and fishies atill they beed all filled up. I hates fish. And maybe everbody in heaven hasn't never heared 'bout peanut butter. So if I bees lost and hungry one day and all on a sudden globes and fishes bees fallin' outta the sky... well, I's prawly gonna starve to deaf. My mind ain't on easy what so all.

Today I seed a girl what beed so pretty she were sparklin', and I tole Clive what I wishes what a pretty girl like that gonna wanna kiss on me. Clive sayed, that bees Loose Linda, George; she kisses on all the boys. Go axe her. So I goed and I axed her and she sayed no. Then she tole me, I don't not kisses no ugly boys, George. So I sayed OK, thanks you. And then I walked at Grampy's house feelin' all saddish and bareassed. I axed Grampy if I bees ugly and he sayed I prawly don't not gots a worry acause ugly ole caterpillars turns into beautiful butterflies. Do that means what I is gonna be a beautiful butterfly somedays, Grampy? I axed him. He sayed, a course not Georgie. You is a boxer dog. Which, that don't not makes no sense what so all. And now I still gots a find out how ugly I is afore I goes all over the town axin' for kisses.

I's prawly gonna hafta run away from home today else Momma gonna kill me. And I means kill me to deaf. I heared her callin' my Dr. Vegetarian, and she sayed, that's right, Sally, I needs to bring George in for to get the Mr. Doctor to give him a shot. I thinks what she finded her bra what I eated on accident; acause then she sayed, yes, yes, Sally, I doesn't wants him to get the rabies, too. Which, all she gots a say is, George, if you eats my rabies, I's gonna shoot you. A course I wouldn't not eat 'em if I knowed that. Prawly I wouldn't not even eated up her bra if I knowed what it beed such a big portant deal. I never thunk what Momma gonna get so shootin' gootin' mad over some little ole bowl a rabies what I didn't not eat any ole how. I only eated the bra.

Momma tole me all a time all a time, don't not eat gums offa the sidewalk, Georgie, that bees totalish deesgustin'. But today I seed a big pink juicy hunk a gum what I just hadded a had; and so I hadded it. But I broked a tooth gettin' it, and Momma bees mad on me again. She sayed what I looks like a backwoods cycle path. Which, I hardly doubts what I's gonna get runned over by no bicycle just acause I gots a broke tooth. I tried a show Momma what my broke tooth bees a built-in whistle now; and I sayed, don't that bees fun, Momma? She sayed, they ain't nothin' funny 'bout havin' a whistle-face cycle path son. Prawlys gonna take Momma a couple or a few days for to get used of it.

Grampy taked me to the circus today and when we was watchin' the show under the big tent, he felled in loves with a miniature horse what beed called Long Face Leona. Which, doggies don't not usually loves horsies, but Grampy sayed what Long Face Leona bees a small enough horsie for to looks like a big dog. He sayed, if we has babies, George, they could be hogs! But I tole him what they already bees such a thing as hogs. Hogs is pigs, Grampy, I sayed. He slapped my paw and my cotton candy flewed two rows down and gotted stucked in a ole granny's hairs. He sayed, how dares you calls my babies pigs! Well, firsty, I tole him, you don't not gots any baby hogs, Grampy. And twosy, you might oughts a take a better look at yous girlfriend right now; acause she beed poopin' out a haystack and walkin' on the same time. Then she smiled right bang on Grampy with she's cob a corn teeths; and Grampy sayed, Yikes! We gots a gets the hang dang outta here, George. All a ways home I keeped on sayin' whinney, whinney, whinney on Grampy; and he keeped on sayin', shut up George, on me. Which, that beed rude.

At Sunday School today Mrs. Pearson teached us what a rich man gots a ride on a camel and stick a needle in hims eye afore he bees allowed a get into heaven. What does yous thinks 'bout that, childrens? She axed us. So I tole everbody what I thinks that bees great, acause Grammy sayed what she bees rather sticks a needle in her eye afore she ever gonna dance a jig with Pudge Pringle again. So she just gots a get herself a camel for to ride around; and God prawly gonnas say, park yous camel out back and come on in, Grammy. Which, that bees good news acause Grammy has did a lots a shenanigans. Mrs. Pearson sayed, it don't quite works like that, George. Do anybody else thinks somethin'? I putted up mine hand again but she wouldn't not pick me. I just beed gonna axe, do anybody knows where to gets a camel?

Momma bees makin' me stay in the laundry room today acause she gots a friend whats called Mary Jane; and Mary Jane bees gettin' married so she gots a come over at my house for to has a shower. Which, I doesn't know why Dirty Mary Jane don't not just takes a bath at her own house. But Momma maked all sort a goodies for to eat acause very a lots a girls is comin' over for to clean up Dirty Mary Jane. And I ain't allowed eatin' no goodies. And I ain't allowed comin' outta the laundry room, acause Dirty Mary Jane bees ascared a me and plus she bees vallergic. I beed mad on Momma at first, but then I seed Dirty Mary Jane gettin' outta her car. I'm rather stay in the laundry room, now. Prawly I don't not wanna see that big toothy face girl naked in the shower any ole how.

I hadded a deesgustin' sicky day toady and it all beed Grammy's own fault acause she maked a fart what was so bad what I throwed up in my mouth. Grampy sayed, for the love a heaven, Grammy, would ya lay offa them liver snaps after dinner? Grammy axed Grampy, did you just axe me for to has a lovers nap with you after dinner, Edward? Which, that maked Grampy thrown up in hims mouth, too. Then Grammy beed so mad, she tole us what she bees leavin' acause us two makes her sick. Me and Grampy knows what it really bees the tother way around; but we was happy what she stompled her smelly self outta there.

Today I hadded a fatso milk bone and Clive sayed, hey George, does ya wanna trade that for my magic hat what makes you unvisible? Which, I thunk Clive beed so stupid, acause a course everybody gonna wanna has a magic hat. So we done traded and I putted on the magic hat and axed Clive, how does I looks? He sayed, holy snappin' crackers! Does somebody bees talkin' at me? I can't not see nobody! So I goed home all happy and unvisible and the first thing I done was I stucked my tongue out on Momma acause I thunk it beed so funny what she couldn't not see me. 'Cept she did sawn me. Now I is grounded, and she gonna fry my tongue if I ever dares a do that again. When I bees allowed out again, I's gonna put on that magic hat and go and clobber Clive. A least I knows what he can't not see me. Prawly Momma musta gots magic eyes or somethin'.

Momma tole me what I can't not go at Sunday School wearin' no ratty tank top with my red banana on my head this mornin'; so I sayed, but God don't cares what I looks like, Momma, He just bees happy what I comed over. But she maked me put on my good banker shirt anyhows and tole me, don't be so rude, young man. A course, I beed late for Sunday School and Mrs. Pearson beed mad on me; so I tole her what it weren't my fault what God didn't not like my outfit today. Then I hadda go sit in the hall acause I were rude again. Which, I's gonna tell Momma; see, Momma, you shoulda just leaved me alone, acause God didn't even got to see my banker shirt any ole how, and now it bees dirty all for nothin'. Well, prawly I isn't gonna say that. But I wants to. A really a lot.

I besided what I wants a be a Knight In Shiny Arms and so now I gots a find me a girl for to love acause the Knight In Shiny Arms bees apposed a rescue the Damsel in Dis Dress. Which, that bees a girl. And prawly I gots a buy her a dress, 'cept I doesn't has no white horse for to rescue her and take her shoppin'. We's just gonna hafta take a bus. But I thinks what my Damsel Girl gonna bees happy anyhow acause now she don't gots a worry 'bout gettin' burned up and eated by no dragon. She gonna say, oh, Georgie, you is my Knight In Shiny Arms. Then she prawlys gonna kiss on me. And after that, we's just gonna live happily over laughter.

Dear Momma, A terrible thing have happened when you was at work today. I were nappin' like a good boy; and then a bad boy sneakered in and eated yous favourite cookbook acause he thunk what the pictures beed real food, but they only just tasted like paper. Prawly. Which, that beed how come he spitted it out all over the kitchen. Prawly. But don't you not worry, Momma; I's gone out for to look for that bad boy. I thinks what he bees called Chester the Jester and he looks like a jester dog; 'cept I ain't positively on account a I beed nappin'. But if you sees a jester dog, don't not touch him, Momma; just swoosh him outta the house, OK? And then I's prawly gonna be home soon after that. I loves you Momma. Your good boy son, George.

Momma beed terrible mad on me today. She been bang bang bangin' on the bathroom door acause I taked so long; and when I comed out she sayed, what the jeezly creeps did ya done to yous face, George? Acause I shaved mine face soft like a baby bum; acause all the girls loves a bum-face man. I seen it on TV. Momma sayed I sure does gots a bum-face, and prawly if I wants a be seed with her, I has to wear a bag on my head atill my face grows back in. Which, I isn't even so sure what I wannas be seed with her any ole how.