Momma losed her glasses this mornin' acause when she been blowin' up her hair dry, I thunk them glasses beed a boomerang. On accident. So when she axed me does I knows where they is, I sayed, did ya check ahind yous nightie table, Momma? They mighta felled offa there. Then I runned and gotted them outta the tree what grows inside a the house and I hided them in her shoe. Now when Momma puts her shoes on, she gonna say, I's such a idiot! I forgotted what I putted my glasses in my shoe. And then everthin' will be OK. Peoples shouldn't oughta make glasses what looks like boomerangs. It bees confusin'.

So Grammy bees havin' her poker girls over tonight, and Grampy sayed, Maisy, I hopes that mongrel Margaret-Mae ain't comin', she bees a cougar. Which, she ain't. She bees a mongrel, mostly Collie, and I likes her. She says I bees her Georgia Peach. And she says the Angels stirred handsome and smart alls up in a big pot and out comed me! When I gets her beers for her she says, thanks you, Peachy. If she beed a cougar, she'd a beed chasin' me up a tree, and sides, Grammy says Grampy bees so blind he couldn't tell no cougar from a ditch-pig any ole how.

So at Sunday School today Mrs. Pearson been teachin' us 'bout what a good father Father God bees; and I sayed, I gots a baby what I loves, too. Then stupid ole Clive hadda holler on all the whole room, George, you been nertralized. Yous never even gonna be a father. It looks like you gots a velvet change purse danglin' off yous hiney; does you keep yous bus money in there? So I sayed real loud, yeah, well, stupid Clive, yous never gonna be no Bassett Hound, neither. Then everbody just beed quiet and stared. Ha.

Ever sometimes I bees awake and I bees asleepin' all together on a same time. Momma says that bees called day streamin', and when I bees day streamin'; I doesn't knows what all I bees doin' acause I gots a movie playin' inside a my head. Which, today when I beed watchin'a day stream, I eated Momma's bra on accident. This is a ungraceful mess, George, Momma screamed all squeakyish. I can't wear this disgustin' thing no more, it looks horrible. And I thunk, maybe I done a good thing if my Momma been playin' fancy-dance patty-cake all over the town showin' off her bra. She shoulda knowed better.

DEAR GEORGE

HELPERS FOR MAKIN'

BETTER PETS OUTTA OUR PEOPLE

 

Dear George,
     I hope you can help me in a hurry. We are having company this weekend, and the Missus insists on bringing her two Yorkies; Leather and Lace. They stick their pointy little noses in my food and water, they sink their pointy little teeth into all my toys, and my Momma just thinks that they're the cutest little things. Whenever they're around, my Momma is constantly telling me to be nice, and she's blind to all the trouble that they cause. What can I do?
Bernadette Bouvier

Dear Bernadette,
     I often lotsa times heared my Momma sayin' size do matter; and Leather and Lace bees zactly the reason why. You's a big girl, Bernadette! Own yous big black beauty. This is what I wants you to do: you sit aside yous Momma in fronta everbody and snarl like as if you gots a bumble bee up yous nose. Then yous Momma gonna be thinkin', look at my good, big girl protectin' me. After that, when there bees nobody lookin', step on one a them brats. That oughta do it.
George



YOWSER DOWSER PIDDLY POWSER

I GOTTED MY FIRST CHRISTMAS CARD EVER!

True story

Today I been a reindeer and I beed all dashin' in the snow on Momma's bed and it beed funner and funner atil the terrible thing happened. I taked one big jump for to lead the sleigh tonight, and guess what? I flewed for real! 'Cept I flewed right into the wall and I losed my conscience. When I waked up, Momma sayed, George, does you knows what day is it? And I sayed, no, Momma, I's a Boxer Dog. But there been a silver cloud in the snowstorm, acause my goofy eye goed straight for a few minutes. And I hadded a red nose like Rudolph. But it goed black again when it quitted bleedin'.

Me and Grampy beed makin' pranks at the donut shop drive-thru today. Grampy beed apposed to sneak on cars and jump and say WOOF, and the peoples beed apposed to say YIKES and drop thems donuts, and I beed apposed to grab theys goodies and run run run. But Grampy bees pretty near blind. He jumped horse-hard headways into a garbage can. Which, then I beed the one what sayed YIKES. And then a big mad donut lady comed and chased us off with a stick. When we gotted home, Momma sayed, where's you fellas been? Yous smells like garbage cans. And me and Grampy looked at each nother and sayed, I doesn't know.

2 IDEAS I GOTS FOR MY CHRISTMAS LIST SO FAR

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE

1. Furry slippers big lady size so Momma can get 'em started for me
2. A motorcycle jacket
3. I really really wants a beagle puppy

 

Please don't dare say nothin' to Momma 'bout the puppy, she don't know.

Scabby Doyle beed mean at me today acause he bees tryin a keep Clive all to hisself. He sayed, go away, George, else I's gonna stick yous head in a fishin' tank fulla pianos. So I goed away. And I tole Momma on him. But she laughed and sayed, oh, Georgie, I thinks Scabby means a fishtank fulla piranha. They's fresh-eatin fish; meanin' they eats peoples to deaf. Which, that ain't nothin' for to laugh about. I just thunk, is mine own Momma gonna tell Scabby a better fish than pianos for eatin' my head off? I's mad on everbody.

Me and Clive and Scabby Doyle been havin' shenanigans at Sunday School today. Mrs. Pearson tole us alls 'bout a man what bees called Noahzark, and hims boatload a animals what comed in two-on-two. We thunk it beed soo funny, and we was oinkin' and mooin' and makin' all kinda animal voices. Then Mrs. Pearson sayed, that bees quite enough Tom Foolery; all maddy talkin'. So then we beed laughin like HEE-HA-HA, all over the place acause they ain't even no Tom in the class! We hadda go three-on-three out in the hallway. Which, a least it weren't only me this time.

So Momma catched me eatin' a plate a butter today and she sayed mean things like gross and disgustin' when she beed wipin' my face with a smelly rag. Which, that ain't a very proper way to talk at a young doggie. I sayed, please don't judge and condom me on this one foolish mishap, Momma. I is much more than this plate a butter. So much more. I loves you, Momma. JUST kiddin'. I heared stuff like that on Oprah, is all. I just letted her yell. I prawly won't get no liver snaps for a few days.

VERY LOTSA DIFFERENT KINDS A COCK

ALL PUTTED TOGETHER IN A RUN-ON SENTENCE 

 

That COCKy COCKer spaniel COCKED hims ears when he heared me comin', then he COCKED him's COCK-eyed eye on me an' I sayed COCK-a-doodle-doo on you, Kenneth you's nothin' but a half-COCKed COCKer fulla COCK 'n bull.

I maked a idea for to be Momma's Little Helper today and have her slippers all cozy at the door for her when she gotted home. But some kinda things goed wrong on me. When I picked up them slippers, my mouth sayed, hey, I thinks I gots a jack rabbit in here. Then my nose sayed, I thinks I smells a forest critter. And my brain tole everthin', I thinks I's apposed to be Momma's Little Hunter. Next thing I knows, them bunnies is lookin' like a family a mouses. Which, I hadda hide 'em in the couch. Now Momma bees sayin' she gots to be losin' her marble acause she can't find them dang slippers. So I tole her, don't worry, Momma, I's gonna be here an save you if you sets yous hair on fire.

Clive tole me that today bees HUMP day, and he laughed like as if it beed sooo funny. I sayed, maybe that bees funny if you is a camel, Clive, but I doesn't get it. So then he called me a stupid camel's toe. Which, that did be funny on me acause I never thunk about callin' nobody a toe afore. When Momma comed home from work I beed a joker on her and I sayed, how was yous hump today, Mrs. Camel Toe? And she twisted on my ear atill I sayed yelp.

Grammy gotted all dillied up for to look for a job today, but she comed home madder an a three-legged goat covered in horseflies. That bald-headed people-breath ole man at Freeder's Breeders tole me I's too ole for puppy-makin', she sayed. So I tole that so an so what's what. I sayed I hasn't never seen Freeder's Breeders in no Book A Who's Who; so when you bees runnin' willy nilly hither an tither lookin' for a bitch with a little somethin' somethin'; don't you be barkin' on my tree. And I ain't whisperin' pixie, neither. I tole Grammy Bob what she maked me proud. I sayed she gots a fur-lined tongue. Then Grammy sayed, George, go axe your Momma if she gots any gin.

We's havin' a Christmas party at the Obee Dance School, and everbody bees makin' treats for to bring. Momma sayed, I's gonna make you some nice cupcakes, Georgie. But I sayed, no, Momma, I wants to make mine own treats. They's gonna be Doggie-Style treats. Momma sayed, how's about we makes a nice Puppy-Type gingerbread house? I gots it! I sayed, I's gonna make a Boner-House! Then Grammy Bob sayed she would love to live in a Boner-House. Momma tole her, shut your yap, Maisy. Which, that weren't very festive talk for Christmas cookin' time.

At Sunday School today Mrs. Pearson been teachin' us what we's all soldiers in the Army of the Lord. If we gots enimas, we oughta march on out there and kill 'em with kindness; she sayed that bees our weapon. So I been kind to Clive when he sayed, George, may I has that milk-bone yous eatin'? I sayed, why, sure, Clive; and I gived it to him. But then when I axed Clive, may I has my milk-bone back now? He sayed no. Now I bees thinkin' on lookin' for some kind thing to crack him over hims head with.

Today I thunk I will be a very fine store detective acause if everbody tries to put socks in they's pocket and steal 'em and they sees me watchin' 'em, they's only gonna think; my, oh my, what a cute little doggie. They's never gonna figure I's gonna jump on 'em and arrest 'em, specially acause I gots a disguise. But when me and Momma goed to the store today, a big man store detective grabbed on me and sayed, why is you wearin'a disguise, little doggie, is you tryin' to steal my milk bones? And then he hollered on the whole store, WILL GEORGE'S MOMMA PLEASE COME TO THE OFFICE! And Momma sayed, Lordy Gordy, George, I can't take you nowheres and she maked me wait in the car. So then I beed a excellent car detective after that.