I eated the Elf On The Shelf's eyeballs today acause he has beed spyin' on me; an' he prawly were gonna tole Santy for to jus' give me a ole rock in my sock. Then Betsy gotted to cryin' all over the place an' Momma gotted mad; an' I hadda go sit in my room an' think about my own self. An' guess what? I did done that thinkin'; an' I thunk up a great idea. Which, that bees... TA-DAAA... Boxer In A Bag! I sayed, see Betsy? You don't gottsa cry no more acause the Boxer In A Bag gonna be watchin' out for Santy now. She, sayed, you is a idiot, George. So I tole her, that bees okay. Santy jus' don't brings toys for bad childrens, he gots no problems 'bout bringin' presents to idiots. So there! An', plus, you prawly better wanna be a little bit nicer to the Boxer In A Bag.

 

Me an' Betsy hadded a kerfuffle today; so, a course when Momma gotted home from work, the place were lookin' a little kerfufflish. I tried a tole Momma, it bees alright, Momma, we has maked up an' everthin' alreadies; but she beed so mad on us she weren't listenin'. Then she sayed, I'm prawly rather has a couple a goldfishes astead a yous two morons makin' messes all a time. Which, that weren't not nice what so all. So, know what I done? I right out pooped in the bathtub! For to teach Momma. Do this bees whatcha wants, Momma? Pets what's gonna poop in they's own water dish an' then go swimmin' in it all day long? Momma beed so sorry what she busted out cryin'. So I sayed all gentle, go on an' git yous leash, Momma. Let's git you a little fresh hair; then you can clean up this mess when we gits back. An' don't not you worry, Momma; me an' Betsy ain't never goin' nowheres! Poor Momma cried an' cried all a ways down the street. She beminded me 'bout the little piggy what sayed weee weee weee all a ways home! I sure the shootin' ain't gonna tole her that.

Ever time I's walkin' Momma, peoples is stoppin' an' sayin', why, that bees a mighty fine lookin' boxer what ya gots there! I used of thunk, ain't you a sharp-eyed bag a rice! Momma ain't no boxer. But then Momma tole me what they's talkin' 'bout me. How the haystack do everbody knows what I bees a boxer, Momma, I axed her. Well, when I finded out what boxers all looks the same one to the nother one; that bees when I besided for to turn Gotholick. So now I is lookin' all black an' sad an' mad an' artsy fartsy for to be a different self a my own. Which, Betsy sayed I is a idiot. So I tole her, a least I don't looks like you no more; I looks Gotholick.  Then she sayed what I prawly don't even knows what Gotholick bees apposed of look like. HA! I tole her. I KNOWS I looks Gotholick; acause Gotholicky folks all looks the sa..a... I quitted right there an' jus' tole her to shut up astead. I hates girls.

Today Betsy were plainin' 'bout how come Momma don't puts fresh water in her dish all a time, all a time. So I tole her, well, jus' go git yous self a drink outta the fountain, stuipid. She beed lookin' at me with her face on all crooked, so I sayed, the fountain... you knows... in the bathroom. Ya means the toilet? She axed. Call it whatever fancy name ya wants, I tole her. Leastwise I ain't thirsty an' plainin'. Ya knows what Momma pees an' poops in the toilet, right? She axed, all teacherish. No she don't! She sit downs an' doos criss-cross puzzles is all, I tole her. Then Betsy screamed on me, MOMMA POOPS AN' PEES IN THE HOUSE, GEORGE!! Where has you beed? Now I gots a bad spot in my brains worser than bubblegum sticked in my hair what prawly ain't never gonna go away. I can prawly unnerstans if Momma bees all bareassed 'bout she ain't house-trained too good; but for to poop in the family water fountain? Deesgustin'!

Me an' Scabby Doyle is apposed a be the Three Wisemen for our Sunday School Christmas Becital tonight an' we don't even gits a talk or nothin'. 'Cept for I has beed practicin' in secret, an' when I walks in the barn, I's gonna say: I gots a gift here for Murray the baby. Betsy heared me an' she sayed, it bees a gift a MYRRH for the baby, George. You's so stupid, Mrs. Pearson shoulda maked you a cow astead a the Wiseman. So I tole her, well, you ain't hardly no Blasted Bargain Mary neither, Betsy. All a food you eats 'round here, no wonders what they's always gottsa take a whole wall outta the barn. You prawly shoulda beed a pig astead. Momma gotted to cryin' acause we is takin' the joy outta Christmas; an' she don't wants her childrens bein' cows an' pigs in the manger. So we shutted up then. Neither two of us don't even knows what the heck a manger bees.

Grampy comed over tonight wearin' a disguise, so I tole him, you's a day early, Grampy; Halloween ain't atill tomorrow! He sayed, I doesn't give a hang dang 'bout no Hallow-freakin'ween, Georgie. I don't want nobody to rekanize me on account a the mess what Clarence, that gallbladder of a barber have made a me. He were jus' apposed a give me a buzz cut like the young fellers gits; now look at my butts! Well, poor Grampy's butts beed pokin' out pinker than a fresh-spanked baboon. Oh... that do bees pretty short, Grampy, I sayed. But Momma all a time says what the only difference atween a good haircut an' a bad one bees six weeks, so... ya only gottsa be bareassed 'bout yous bare-ass for a little while, Grampy. Then I runned fast fast an' putted a blanket on the couch afore he sitted on it. Prawly gonna hafta have a blanket on that couch for a good six weeks, too, I figure.

Today I tried a nicely tell my big little older sister Betsy what she oughta chew on a bone or drink some a Grammy's mint tea or somethin'. See all a them crinkly leaves on a ground? I axed her. You's stinky breath have knocked 'em all offa the trees, I sayed. Well a course, she hadda go cryin' on Momma 'bout George bees such a meanie-ass; then Momma hadda go an' git mad all over me. But Momma, I tole her, I can smell Betsy's breath ten minutes after she have leaved the room. Momma sayed, oh, Georgie, jus' hushshsh.... an' I couldn't not believe my nose. Seem like Momma done been drinkin' outta Betsy's water bowl. I's prawly gonna hafta turn into a outside doggie. Elsewise them girls is gonna snuffocate me to deaf.

So Betsy tole Momma what she ain't bein' nobody's Bride a Bracula for our big Tricky Treaty party at Obee Dance School tonight. I don't not fink it bees ploper for to beg for bon bons, she sayed. So Momma sayed, fine, then. Georgie, put this dress on. Which, I thunk I were gonna been a Blue Jay; but Momma axed me, does ya wanna go, or doesn't ya? Well, a course I wants to git candy, so I putted on the dress. I has besided that if the boys is gonna tease me, I's jus' gonna talk all squeaky an' tell 'em, oh, you must of bees mistakin'. I is my big little older sister Betsy. An' that prawly makes me for to be the only girl I knows what ain't stupid!

Momma gotted a new church dress what makes her look like a sausage an' walk like a worm with two little feets stickin' outta the end. She axed me, do I looks pretty, George? An' I tole her ya; acause her face were lookin' okay I guess. Now I gots a bemember for to make a pray to God 'bout sorry I telled a lie when I gets to Sunday School. God prawlys gonna say, that bees okay Georgie, I woulda telled her she beed pretty too. Don't nobody wanna git my Momma mad first thing on the mornin'.

 

Today Momma bringed me her leash for to git a bit a fresh airs, an' when I had her all did up, she sayed, okay, ready Freddie? Well, I thunk, who do this Freddie fella bees? So I spunned aroun' for to took a look on him; but Momma beed right in the wrong spot. She felled asshole of the teakettle over top a Betsy. An' then they both was screamin' acause Betsy breaked a nail, an' Momma chipped her tooth. Which, I tole Momma, don't not worry, Momma, ya still bees pretty to me. But inside a my head I figured a least I don't gots to worry 'bout Freddie no more. He prawly ain't gonna wanna be kissin' on my snaggle-tooth Momma now.

Today has beed a bad day. Momma been workin' up a grump like she bees gittin' paid for it; then at suppertime she losed her beans. Georgie, eat with yous mouth shut! She were shriekin' so bad it sound like the brakes on her mouth was shot. I only jus' thunk; well, how do I apposed of git the food in then? So I axed her, does ya wants I oughta stick my foor in my ear? Then Grammy sayed, whadaya mean ya hasn't et in a year? An' Grampy axed Grammy, what is ya stickin' in yous rear? Then Momma growled on me, now look on what you started, Georgie! An' Grampy axed, who farted? An' Grammy slugged Grampy with her spoon acause she thunk what Grampy thunk what she were bein' farty. Then Momma up an' tooked away everbody's food an' tole us, yous can all jus' took that bad behavin' to bed! We's prawly all gonna starve to deaf in our sleep tonight. Tomorrow mornin' Momma gonna has a clump a skinny dead doggies. Lookin' like poor little furry slippers. I can't not bemember a worser day.

Today I were a magical Unicorn with my magical horn on my head what makes alls everbody's wishes comin' true when ya rubs it. 'Cept for stupid Betsy sayed what I ain't no Unicorn acause they starts off bein'  horsies. Ya don't thinks what yous a horsey does ya George? You jus' bees a Corn Dog, she sayed. So I axed her, is you wearin' them pig tails acause you is a pig, Betsy? She spitted when she talked jus' like Momma do; an' she sayed, I IS A PIXIE! I tole her, well, we must of bees be a great team then; Pixie the Pig an' her magical Horny Headed Corn Dog brother, George. She jus' spinned around an' goed away. Which, guess what? That were zactly my magical wish! I is a very good Corn Dog!

I telled on Betsy today acause she were wearin' a lampshade on her head like a party-girl; so I figured she beed drinkin' outta Grammy's karaoke bowl. But Momma jus' laughed an' sayed, oh, no, Georgie! Betsy has beed spaded, is all. She gottsa wear that cone so's she don't bees pickin' at her decision. Then Betsy tole me what now that her orneries is gone, she can't not catch the PMS no more. That must of bees Pretty Mean Sister, acause she sayed she prawly even gonna be nice to me ever sometimes now. Which, that gived me an' Betsy a idea. We is gonna save up all a Grammy's empty beer bottles atill we gets forty or seventy dollars; an' then we's gonna go an' git Momma spaded, too! Then lucky lucky George gonna be livin' with two nice girls! I can't not hardly wait.

Today at Sunday School, Mrs. Pearson beed teachin' us alls 'bout we gottsa make a choose for where we's gonna go when we bees dead. Seem like there bees a dead dog elebator what can goes way, way sky high into Heaven; an' ya gits to fly aroun' all day long in the clouds an' stuff. Else, the elebator gonna go down, down into the Fiery Spits a Hell; which, Clive sayed what it prawly bees too hot for to take any bideo games there. Then, thirdy, there bees Bimbo in atween the two a them. The dead dog elebator man gonna tole ya if you has beed good or bad; an' then take ya up or down; or in atween if God gottsa think on it for a bit. Me an' Clive has besided for to go to Bimbo so's we can still play our games; an' plus, then we don't all a time has to share, an' be nice, an' listen at our Mommas. All a childrens was tellin' Mrs. Pearson, oh, I is gonna try so hard for to git to Heaven, Mrs. Pearson! I tole her what me an' Clive wanna go to Bimbo. She jus' sayed, that bees fine, George. I thinks what she bees startin' to like me!

Today when I were walkin' Momma, she beed yakity-yakkin' the whole long way atill I finally losed my crackers. If I tried a sniff a tree, she beed all, hurry up, George. So I hurries up an' runs to the nother tree, an' I hadda pretty-near drag her. Then' she beed hollerin' on me for to slow down. Hurry up, slow down, hurry up, slow down. My feets gotted so mixed up they was each all tryin' for to go down different streets.... I hadda make 'em all stop. So Momma tugged on her leash, c'mon, Georgie, she sayed, all maddish. Well, I jus' tole her, I ain't no New Tent Ninja Turtle, Momma; git offa my backside! She jus' looked on me with her head leanin' crooked; an' we goed all a way home without the  nother word outta her. Hmmm. Maybe I do bees a New Tent Ninja Turtle after alls....

I runned over to my cousint Clive's house today acause he hadded a surprise for to show me. Well, I axed, whatcha gots? Clive sayed, I gots a hare, Georgie! Which, I tole him, ya gots a lots a hairs, Clive. No, Georgie, I gots a hare hare; like a bunny only it bees a hare. I catched it with a box an' a stick an' a carrot. An' sure of nuff; there beed a box bouncin' alls 'round the backyard. I lifted it up for to see the hare, an' he popped out hoppin' hither an' tither like he thunk he were gonna win a dancin' prize. I beed screamin' here, Hare; here, Hare... an' Clive were screamin' somebody git a carrot... an' Aunt Spot started screamin' on us for to be quiet out there... An' the hare getted away. An' everbody bees mad on me. That prawly bees whatcha calls a real bad hare day.

 I tole Scabby Doyle I'd give him a fatso Milk Bone for to take a relative on a blind date today; so's I don't gotta bring Betsy to my ball game with me. 'Cept for they don't knows what each the tother bees their dates acause they don't gits along what so all. Betsy bees hopin' what maybe her blind date gonna has a handsome guide dog; an' she's all, git me my lotion, George. Does ya thinks I needs lip glops? Soon as Scabby comed to the door I skeedadled downstairs an' hided ahind the furnace. I heared him sayin', you? You ain't no relative, you's Georgie's big little older sister Betsy. You ain't even blind, git them stupid glasses off! Then Betsy sayed, well I wishes I did beed blind right now Scabfull Doyle. Then the both a them was talkin' 'bout how they's gonna tear me into bits an' pieces; an' then they besided for to go an' have a soda since they was all shiny clean any ole how. I thinks I mighta maked a love match! Momma prawlys gonna kill me.

 

Obee Dance School bees havin' a big ole dancin' show tonight, an' Mrs. Barker have sticked me an' Betsy together for to dance the Bamingo.  That feels like deesgustin' for me, but Momma bees proud as a petunia. When we was all swanked up an' gittin' goin', Betsy all on a sudden wouldn't not git in the car. She tole Momma, George ploblably gonnas make me look stupid when we's dancin' the Plamingal, Momma. Which, I thunk she were lookin' pretty stupid already, so I tole her what she prawly can't not git any stupider lookin'; Bamingo or no Bamingo. Then she sayed I were so stupid acause I bees callin' the Pla-min-gal a Bamingo... an' then Momma yelled, yous two git in the car afore we bees late for the stupid dance! I's a darn good Bamingo dancer, but I might jus' gonna hafta step on a couple a her feets tonight.

Today I tole Grampy what Momma prawly bees makin' me take Betsy for to play on my baseball team, an' that ain't right acause firsty; she bees a girl, an' for the nother thing, she makes me sick. Grampy gived me very good vice 'bout that. Ya gottsa revolt, Georgie, he telled me. Which, that means, I don't gives a ding dang dickens; I ain't doin' it! So I tole Momma jus' that. Plus I sayed, I is revoltin', Momma. An' guess what? Betsy sayed, George, you is ploblably the most revoltin' thing I has ever sawn! So I sayed, why thanks you, Betsy. An' I thunk; Grampy bees right again. Afore ya knows it, me an my big little older sister Betsy prawly gonna bees gettin' along like two ticks on a terrier's tail. I only jus' hadda beed a little bit revoltin'.

I has beed tellin' everbody what my big little older sister's name bees Betsy Wetsy acause I thunk it were funny, so a course she hadda go an' tole on me. Momma sayed, you is a bad boy for to make yous sister cry, George! Which, I tole Momma; well cryin' prawly bees wetsy, don't it? Then I gotted grounded. Girls is so stupid I can't not hardly stand up. An' I is sticked atween stoo-an'-ped jus' like peanut butter an' pyjamas in a sangwitch.

I were tryin' to splain 'bout Momma today to Betsy; but she jus' hadda thunk she beed sooo smart. I sayed what Momma bees like a gummy worm; all sweetie on her outsides, an' then so sour on the insides it gonna make yous teeths bleed. Betsy ping-ponged them pointy ears an' sayed, well, we doesn't eat worms where I comes from. So I tole her, ya prawly don't even knows where ya comes from, Betsy; an' then she sayed, you ploblably don't knows neither. Ha! I comes from right here, I sayed. Hows 'bout ya jus' put yer stupid hat on afore Momma goes an' gits all sour.

Hey guess what? Me an' Momma has abducted a boxer girl for to be my baby sister even know she bees older 'an me. We has besided what her name oughta be Betsy. Betsy bees skinny like the dickens, an' she gots pointy ears, an' she talks all pronouncy like as if she bees a queen or somethin'.  Betsy don't likes me what so all, but Momma sayed, jus' give 'er some time, Georgie. So I tole Betsy, prawly you is gonna love me someday. She jus' sayed, it ain't prawly, you nink-and-poop, it bees de-nounced, ploblably. This ploblably ain't gonna be so much fun.

Me an' Scabby Doyle gotted in trouble today acause we was ' fightin' 'bout who bees handsomest. Scabby thunk what he bees handsomer 'an me, so I tole him, ya don't bees called Scabby acause you's a movie star, ya know, Scabby. He beed arguin' what Scabby ain't even his real name; an' then Momma hollered, boys! Stop yous bickerin'! Which, I has never heared Momma swear like that a front a my friends; but we shutted up all right. An' then guess what we heared? Scabby's Momma. Callin', Scabby, Scabby Doyle; come on home for dinner now. Well, if yous own Momma gonna call you Scabby, prawly everbody gonna knows who bees the handsomest boy. Looks like I winned that bick. Plus, I's handsome.

Tonight I beed Helpy Helperton for Momma, acause I seed our favouritest popcorn on top a the fridge so I thunk; I's gonna bring Momma a little treat. Which, I done that; 'cept for them bags is very breakish an' mostly all a the popcorn goed in my mouth afore we got back to Momma floppin' all over the couch. I figured what she were gonna had a hurricane fit when she grabbed the empty bag outta my mouth; but she only jus' sayed, oh well, Georgie. That bees okay. My butts prawly bees too fat any ole how. So I tole her, yes it do, Momma; acause Grampy have teached me what ya never argues with no woman. Now Momma won't not stop her cryin'. An' I gots a be Helpy again an' go git her a Kleenex.

Today I beed watchin' teachy TV an' I seed a show alls 'bout people what never throws nothin' away. They calls 'em whores. An' then my brain goed, Ping-Pong! Acause; guess who bees a whore? Momma. Which, that ain't even funny acause whores is sick. So I tole Momma, you must of bees a sick whore, Momma. An' she goed bee-zerk! She were screamin' 'bout slappin' my dirty mouth, an' chasin' me round an' round, atill finally; I opened up the closet an' showed her all a wigs an' hats an' glasses what she don't never throws away. I tole her, look on all this junk, Momma. Prawly you gottsa be a whore for to keep a messy box like that. Then Momma dropped her wooden spoon an' sayed, oh... I's a hoarder, Georgie, not a whore. So I gived her a great big hug an' tole her, you call it what ya wants, Momma. A least ya knows ya gots a problem.