Everbody beed all excitin' at Sunday School today acause Mrs. Pearson sayed, childrens, we has a special visitor this mornin'! I thunk it must of bees God; but, nope. Even better. It beed Santy Claus! He were sittin' in the teachers chair an' sayin' HoHo, an' everthin' beed happy atill Clive hadda go an' tole Santy what Scabby Doyle wantsa has  ballerina shoes for Christmas. Next I knowed, Scabby clouted me acause he thunk I beed Clive an' then I bited Whitey Easton but it beed a accident acause I were only sayin' OW; an' hims head gotted in my mouth. Then all a girls was cryin', an' all a boys was snarlin', an' chairs was fallin' over, an' Princess Peterson peed on Santy's feets. Santy leaved. An' Mrs. Pearson beed mad on the dickens. She maked us do a big pray at God for to say sorry 'bout that ruckus. Which, I thunk that beed funny acause He never even comed to visit. But I sayed it anyhows. An' I axed God does ya thinks what Santy Claus still gonna bring me a red CCM bike? Prawly not. Stupid Clive.

NOT A BITCH

I gotted in trouble at Sunday School today acause Mrs. Pearson telled everbody, hurry inside, childrens; an' I beed hurryin' too slow. But it weren't my own fault; I jus' couldn't not stop sniffin' everthin' on the sidewalk. Then Mrs. Pearson hollered on me, NOW, GEORGE! Alls I done is, I sayed, hold on a sex, I's smellin' a bitch here; an' the next thing what I knowed, Mrs. Pearson thumped me on my nose with her Bible. She sayed how dares me for to call her a smelly bitch. Which, I never even. She don't gots shiny fur, no fancy tail; she don't even smell right. A course, Mrs. Pearson hadda go an' tole on me an' then Momma beed mad, too. I tried a splain what I weren't not even rude. I tole her, Momma, why is I gonna call Mrs. Pearson a smelly bitch? She jus' bees a floppy skin girl what smells bad like you, Momma. Then guess what Momma done? Thump me on my nose with her purse. I can't not hardly smell what so all, now. Prawly I shoulda jus' let them keep on betendin' they was bitches.

BULLFROG BULLDOG FORD

Grammy an' Grampy hadded a big bash blow-up fight today, alright. She beed knttin' the most gigantic-est thing what I ever seed, so I axed her, whatcha makin', Grammy? A bulldozer cozy?  She sayed, no, Georgie. I gots a  karaoke friend what everbody calls Bullfrog Bulldog Ford acause hims neck bees so big. I's knittin' him a scarf so's he don't gotsa buy hisself one at the Rent A Tent no more. Then Grampy hollered on the top a hims lung, BULLFROG BULLDOG FORD? I thunk I telled you for to stay away from that fella, Maisey! Ever time what I sees that Bullfrog he bees in a drunken stupor. I tole you; one a these days he bees gonna git hisself CRACKED UP! Next what I knowed, they was spittin' an' screamin' an' snappin' alls over the kitchen. It beed a terrible thing. So, I tried a calm Grampy down, an' I tole him, don't not worry, Grampy. Even if Bullfrog Bulldog Ford bees drunk 'n stupid; with him's big ole neck he ain't gonna crack up any ole how. Prawly he jus' gonna roll for a good long time. Prawly somebody gonna hafta chop a oak tree down a front a him for to make him stop hims rollin'. They both beed quiet an' thunk on that for a few sex.

WIDOW WADDLE

Today we hadded a special guest at Sunday School what were Mr. Wilfred Waddle's widow. Grammy sayed what she heared that poor Wilfred Waddle jus' gotted ascared to deaf on account a Widow Waddle bees ugly as sin. Which, prawly that bees how come she gotsa go at Sunday School now; for to try an' pray that ugly away. An' also she were playin' the piano for all the childrens to sing along. I only seed Widow Waddle's ugly back acause when she beed gonna turn around, I runned outta there fast fast. I were screamin' at the tother kids, don't nobody look! We bees too young for to die! Scabby Doyle telled me what nobody died after all; but Widow Waddle do bees 'bout ugly as a canker sore. He seed Mrs. Pearson talkin' on my Momma, too. He sayed what her hands was wavin' in the air an' her face beed all red an' bubbly. I thinks what that Widow Waddle woman goed an' maked big troubles for me today.

GOOD TIME CHARLIE

Today Grampy axed me, has ya thinked 'bout what does ya gonna wanna do when ya grows up, Georgie? I tole him, not so much, Grampy. I doesn't care what I does, just so long for I bees happy. Grampy sayed, ha! You beminds me of a fella what everbody used of call Good Time Charlie acause alls he ever done was party an' have fun. An' then one day he felled offa hims barstool an' breaked hims leg so bad what they hadda chop it off. So whaddya thinks 'bout that, Mr. Happy Pants? I only thunk what I is glad what Grampy bees blind as balonie so he don't sees what I is lookin' on him like that were the idiotest thing I has ever heared. But I tole him, well, maybe sometimes I thinks what I'm gonna might wanna be a weatherman, Grampy. And then guess what? Grampy snorted. Then HE tole ME what that were the idiotest thing what he has ever heared. That beed rude.

AUNT BETTY

Ever time my Aunt Betty bees comin' over, Momma says the zact same thing on me. Bemember, Georgie, ya gottsa be polite even know ya doesn't like her kisses. Poor Aunt Betty bees spayed. An' she jus' loves childrens. But today I gotted all braved up an' I tole her, Momma, I doesn't care how much Aunt Betty bees paid for to love childrens; I'm rather chew my leg off astead a kissin' them dribbly dishrag lips a hers ever never again! Momma hadded the strangest face on her look what I never seed afore. So I jus' shutted mine own self up after that.

MONKEY'S UNCLE

Today I were betendin' what Momma's bed beed a frampoline an' I were havin' jumpity fun atill she comed in an' screamed on me. That scared me so bad what I done a flip on accident. But after the screamin' beed over, even Momma sayed, that were a pretty good flip ya done, Georgie! So I tole Grampy 'bout hows I maked such a good flip, and he sayed, zat so? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! Which, that don't gots nothin' doin' 'bout frampoline flips. Then I thunk, hey, know what? Prawly I must of bees a monkey's cousint! An' then I thunk, uh,oh. Banana breath.