Today Uncle Vern an' Aunt Spot taked all a us kids at the beach, an' I seed the most beautifullest girl what have ever beed borned. Everbody's eyes was sticked on her an' her green bikini. Even Aunt Spot sayed, I wishes what I looks like that in a bikini. Then Uncle Vern sayed, me too! I thunk that beed weird, what Uncle Vern gonna wanna wear a green bikini. But next I knowed, Aunt Spot were screamin', an' Uncle Vern beed runnin'; then Uncle Vern were screamin', STOP, SPOT! I CAN'T NOT SWIM I CAN'T NOT SWIM! Momma sayed, I heared what you seed quite a display at the beach today, Georgie. I tole her, oh, no, Momma, weren't nobody playin' what so all. Uncle Vern pretty near drownded. The she sayed, oh, George, you bees so funny! Which, I weren't not even tryin'. Ha!

Clive comed over today an' he teached me a new trick what everbody bees doin' called Shelfies. It bees a easy trick; all's ya does is, ya gits yous Momma's camera, an' then ya takes pictures a yous own self. That bees it! I thunk my pictures beed very good, but when Momma seed 'em, she sayed, Georgie, what did you did? Momma's camera ain't not a toy, young man. Then she gived me a coconut bikini an' tole me, go put this on an' let Momma take some GOOD pictures. Well, I were so mad on her, I tole her, hows 'bout you put that thing on yous self an' make a shelfie; acause I ain't doin' it. So she done it. I don't never wanna see nothin' like that again. I'm rather boil my eyeballs an' make George-Eye soup! Don't worry, know. I beleted 'em. So now everbody gits a see my shelfies!

At Sunday School today we was singin' 'bout Jesus lovin' me this I knows; an' I hadda stood beside a Mary Ellen Bloody Hound. Which, that beed awful, acause she were soundin' like Grampy blowin' hims nose. So I jus' singed louder 'n louder for to make sure what Jesus gonna hear me. Then Mrs. Pearson axed me does I thinks what Jesus wanna got yelled at like that? I sayed, no, M'am; but prawly He don't wanna hear Mary Ellen honkin' like that, neither. So we both of us hadda whisper-sing after that. An' guess what? I heared Jesus say, thanks you, George. Right inside a my ear! That song must of  bees right. Jesus do loves me! Not so much Mary Ellen, though. He tole me that, too.

I never even knowed what Grampy never even knowed what I bees left-pawed atill he seed me eatin' dinner tonight. He axed me how come I beed holdin' my bowl with my left paw, an' I sayed, acause I bees left-pawed, Grampy. Then Grampy sayed, tsk, tsk. You bemind me 'bout a fella name a Lefty Goggins. He losed hims right paw in a accident. One day Lefty besided for to hitch-hiker hisself to the beach, an' that were the last what anybody has ever seed a Lefty. He never thunk 'bout he could only hitch-hiker one way. He didn't got a paw for to turn 'round an' hitch back home. He prawly bees somewheres in China, still tryin' for to git a ride home right now, Georgie. I tole Grampy, well, a least I still gots all a my paws, Grampy. I jus' bees left-pawed like Momma. Then Momma sayed, I ain't left-pawed, George. An' I sayed, ya, you is. Grampy tole me. He sayed what you dance like ya gots two left paws. Now nobody bees gettin' dessert tonight. All acause a some Lefty Goggins fella what I doesn't even care 'bout. Great.

So me an' Momma was jus' mindin' my own business, havin' a nice sunshiney walk today; an' jus' like that, it all goed to hickory sticks. That crabby apple Mrs. Allen runned outta her house like as if her socks was on fire, screamin' like Grampy's kettle. Git offa my grass, you hairy, droopy-face mutt! Which, that beed rude. So I hollered back on her, does ya gots raisins in yous eye holes? Acause my Momma weren't even on her grass. Then Momma tugged on her leash so hard what I almost choked to deaf. An' she beed chokin' me to deaf all a ways home, too. I gots no ideas how come she bees so mad on me; I jus' sticked up for her, is all. But that ain't the worst thing, neither. I hadda done a lot a lot a walkin' for to train Momma not to pull on her leash; an' now I gots a do it all over again. All acause a that crabby apple.

Today have maybe prawly beed my last day at Mrs. Pearson's Sunday School acause I were betendin' I beed a Angel an' I jumped offa my desk on accident for to fly away. Mrs. Pearson sayed, what in carnations bees wrong with you, George? I tole her, I needs forgiveness, Mrs. Pearson, acause that beed the lesson today. Then she sayed, no George, you needs a Head Shrinker! I couldn't not believe in my ears! Everbody knows what a Head Shrinker bees... BOO DOO! I's pretty sure what when Momma hears 'bout this, she gonna say, Mrs. Pearson, you ain't not loud for to teach my little Georgie none a yous bing bang Boo Doo no more.

Today I goed at a special school whats called Arse 'n Craffs; an' I maked a picture a Momma. On first I thunk what she loved it acause she gived me a big hug. 'Cept then she sayed, oh, Georgie, you bees my very own Picasso! Which, I has never heared 'bout callin' a fella a Pink Asshole an' 'spectin' for to hug him on the same time. I only jus' sayed, well, Happy Momma's Day, Momma. But inside a my head I thunk, snow wonders what ya never gottsa a boyfriend if that bees the way ya gonna bees when ya gits a nice present.