I never even knowed what Grampy never even knowed what I bees left-pawed atill he seed me eatin' dinner tonight. He axed me how come I beed holdin' my bowl with my left paw, an' I sayed, acause I bees left-pawed, Grampy. Then Grampy sayed, tsk, tsk. You bemind me 'bout a fella name a Lefty Goggins. He losed hims right paw in a accident. One day Lefty besided for to hitch-hiker hisself to the beach, an' that were the last what anybody has ever seed a Lefty. He never thunk 'bout he could only hitch-hiker one way. He didn't got a paw for to turn 'round an' hitch back home. He prawly bees somewheres in China, still tryin' for to git a ride home right now, Georgie. I tole Grampy, well, a least I still gots all a my paws, Grampy. I jus' bees left-pawed like Momma. Then Momma sayed, I ain't left-pawed, George. An' I sayed, ya, you is. Grampy tole me. He sayed what you dance like ya gots two left paws. Now nobody bees gettin' dessert tonight. All acause a some Lefty Goggins fella what I doesn't even care 'bout. Great.

So me an' Momma was jus' mindin' my own business, havin' a nice sunshiney walk today; an' jus' like that, it all goed to hickory sticks. That crabby apple Mrs. Allen runned outta her house like as if her socks was on fire, screamin' like Grampy's kettle. Git offa my grass, you hairy, droopy-face mutt! Which, that beed rude. So I hollered back on her, does ya gots raisins in yous eye holes? Acause my Momma weren't even on her grass. Then Momma tugged on her leash so hard what I almost choked to deaf. An' she beed chokin' me to deaf all a ways home, too. I gots no ideas how come she bees so mad on me; I jus' sticked up for her, is all. But that ain't the worst thing, neither. I hadda done a lot a lot a walkin' for to train Momma not to pull on her leash; an' now I gots a do it all over again. All acause a that crabby apple.

Today have maybe prawly beed my last day at Mrs. Pearson's Sunday School acause I were betendin' I beed a Angel an' I jumped offa my desk on accident for to fly away. Mrs. Pearson sayed, what in carnations bees wrong with you, George? I tole her, I needs forgiveness, Mrs. Pearson, acause that beed the lesson today. Then she sayed, no George, you needs a Head Shrinker! I couldn't not believe in my ears! Everbody knows what a Head Shrinker bees... BOO DOO! I's pretty sure what when Momma hears 'bout this, she gonna say, Mrs. Pearson, you ain't not loud for to teach my little Georgie none a yous bing bang Boo Doo no more.

Today I goed at a special school whats called Arse 'n Craffs; an' I maked a picture a Momma. On first I thunk what she loved it acause she gived me a big hug. 'Cept then she sayed, oh, Georgie, you bees my very own Picasso! Which, I has never heared 'bout callin' a fella a Pink Asshole an' 'spectin' for to hug him on the same time. I only jus' sayed, well, Happy Momma's Day, Momma. But inside a my head I thunk, snow wonders what ya never gottsa a boyfriend if that bees the way ya gonna bees when ya gits a nice present.

Mrs. Pearson beed teachin' us 'bout faith at Sunday School today. She sayed what Jesus used of all a time fix fellas an' tole 'em, git up an' go home now, yous ain't crippley no more; jus' don't not tole nobody what I done. Mrs. Pearson sayed what Jesus sayed what if ya believes what you bees a mustard seed, then you can make miracles too! So I hadda try it out at recess acause Scabby Doyle cracked hims head on my baseball bat an'  knocked hisself out. I thunk, mustard, mustard, I is mustard... an' I tole Scabby, git on up, Scabby, you bees fine. An' don't be tellin' nobody what I done, neither. 'Cept we hadda call the yambylance an' Scabby gotted sewed up like a teddy bear. Prawly I weren't really believin' what I beed mustard. I thinks it woulda beed better if Jesus gonna make ketchup magic astead. I prawly coulda beed ketchup.