Today when I were walkin' Momma she beed goin' so slow, an' her leash were tuggin' on my neck so hard what I finally axed her, is ya tryin' a decaffeinate me or somethin', Momma? Pick up them feets an' walk, would ya? Then Momma tole me what her feets bees too sore on account a she gots a thritis in 'em. So I tole her, well, git that thritis outta there an' let's go! But it don't works like that, she sayed. I's gonna gotta git to the doctor; I prawly needs a drug for to fix it. Well I jus thunk, Momma don't needs no doctor; I can drug her right the heck now! An' then I done zactly that. I drugged her roun' that whole tire block, cryin' an' all; faster 'an I has ever ever goed afore. I didn't even nevermind 'bout my poor lil neck, neither. An' guess what? Not the nother word outta her 'bout that ole thritis! That must of beed a good ole miracle drug what I gived Momma!

Mrs. Pearson comed to Sunday School today with her dress on crookit, an' her hair all lookin' like funder an' lightenin'.  Yous childrens gottsa save yous soles, she beed tellin' us very loudish. Which, I sayed, well, I ain't worried 'bout my soles, Mrs. Pearson, acause Momma prawly gonna jus' git me some new shoes if my soles bees wored out. GEORGE MADIGAN! I is talkin' 'bout the unvisible SOUL what God have putted in yous belly. What is full a lovin' kindness an' goodness, an' you sure the heck dang best of be thinkin' 'bout savin' yous SOUL, young man. She hollered so hard  my toes was jigglin'. So now I is savin' up alls my lovin' kindness for the Soul Train To Heaven. I tole Betsy what she bees too fat for to wear her bathin' suit an' maked her cry. Then I tole Scabby Doyle what nobody likes him, an' his Momma looks like a man. If I woulda knowed it coulda beed so easy for to be pleasin' to the Lord Of High, I prawly woulda started a couple weeks ago.

Ever sometime I likes a betend what I is a English Bulldog what's called George; an' I talks with a accent, like, Riff Riff. Which, I beed doin' that today when I taked Momma for her walk. We stopped for a sec so's a ole lady can pet Momma, an' I sayed, boys oh boys, I'm jus' love a mug a spotted tea right now! Acause Clive telled me what them Englishies loves theys spotted tea. The ole lady laughed like Cap'n Crunch, har, har, har, an' sayed, ain't you a cutie...(little English Bulldog, she were prawly thinkin'.) But Momma weren't so hardy-har what so all. Why is you talkin' so stupid, George, she axed me. I don't not unnerstans what yous sayin', Momma, on account a I is English, I tole her. She sayed, oh, for cripe sakes, take me home now! I guess I must of walked her right out today.

Betsy tole me what I looks like a big green idiot today, but I sayed, no I doesn't. I looks like a fat green leper. A case ya prawly doesn't knows; tomorrow bees Saint Fatty's Day I tole her. I is dressin' up like a leper today for to bemind Momma what she oughta hurry on up to the Big Girl Shop an' git herself some green gitup afore all the nother fatties buys everthin' up like last year. Saint Fatty bees the Pre-tend saint a fatties, an' ever year they's apposed of dress all green an' drink beer for to say, thanks, Saint Fatty! Betsy goed, O-M-G George! (Which, that ain't even how ya spells my name.) It bees Saint Paterix Day; an' you is apposed of be a Leprechaun. I never sayed nothin'. I thunk, no sense tryin' for to splain it all over again. Like Grampy all a time says, sometime ya jus can't not fix stupid!

Me an' Momma hadded a little argue this mornin' 'bout  how come I hadda stay home from Sunday School acause I beed so too busy fightin' crimes. Finally she sayed, well fine then, George. You can wear yous silly super coat; but I better not dare hear 'bout no shenanigans. Which, I ain't gonna be shenanigatin' when I's on duty. Everthin' prawly woulda beed all right, too, 'cept for that big mouth Scabby Doyle hadda gone an' been his big mouth ole self. He telled all a girls what I were lookin' at theys undiewears with my x-ray eyeballs. So a course they all goed cryin' at Mrs. Pearson; an' then Mrs. Pearson sayed, George! That bees quite the nuff a yous shenanigans! That were zactly how come Momma been gettin' mad on me the head a time! My Momma must of bees superish like me! So, I's prawly gonna git in super trouble now; an' I didn't even git to did a single shootin' gootin' shenan.

We gots a new girl at Obee Dance School whats name bees Bella; an' Mrs. Barker sayed what everbody oughta make her comferble. So I sayed, hi Bella, I is George. An' then I sayed, how's 'bout a little kiss? Acause she bees the beautifullest poodle of a girl I has ever seed. Bella tole me, George, I'm rather pour boiling oil in my ears. So I axed her, well, how's 'bout after yous done with the oil? An' she sayed, then, I'm rather stick pins in my eyes. Well, when yous done with yous eyes an' yous ears, ya wanna gimme a little kiss then? I'm rather git eated up alls over by a gazillion giant fleas atill all my shiny curls falls off, she tole me. Well, then my magination gotted in my eyes an' alls I was seein' were this scabby red eye droopy ear girl an' I thunk what she bees way too ugly for kissin'on; so I jus' goed away. I's prawly never gonna unnerstan them girls. That Bella bees pretty-lookin' jus' the way she bees. She don't needs to be doin' all that fixin' up for to git prettier. Jus' bees too much pretty-fixin', I say.

So I taked Momma for her walk today an' we beed havin' a nice ole time sniffin' out all a news 'bout who has beed where in the neighbours hood. All a trees was screamin' up my nose, pee on meeee! No, pee on meeee, each the nother one sayed. An' that beed all fine as dandy atill we gotted 'bout half the quarter ways home; then Momma gotted to tuggin' on her leash to beat the band. C'mon, George, hurry up! C'mon, George. I gived her my eyeballs what says, I's a little busy right now; an' then she pretty near breaked  my hang dang neck. C'MON GEORGE I HAS TO PEE! Well, what the carnation, I thunk. We prawly has jus' goed passed fifty or a hundred trees. But a course, my Momma gottsa go home an' pee in the fountain. Which, that have maked my incision. I quits! From now on, I's jus' takin' my own self out walkin'. Leave Momma at home. I's gonna hafta git her some big girl diapers astead. Yup. Big fat girl diapers.