Grampy comed over tonight wearin' a disguise, so I tole him, you's a day early, Grampy; Halloween ain't atill tomorrow! He sayed, I doesn't give a hang dang 'bout no Hallow-freakin'ween, Georgie. I don't want nobody to rekanize me on account a the mess what Clarence, that gallbladder of a barber have made a me. He were jus' apposed a give me a buzz cut like the young fellers gits; now look at my butts! Well, poor Grampy's butts beed pokin' out pinker than a fresh-spanked baboon. Oh... that do bees pretty short, Grampy, I sayed. But Momma all a time says what the only difference atween a good haircut an' a bad one bees six weeks, so... ya only gottsa be bareassed 'bout yous bare-ass for a little while, Grampy. Then I runned fast fast an' putted a blanket on the couch afore he sitted on it. Prawly gonna hafta have a blanket on that couch for a good six weeks, too, I figure.

Today I tried a nicely tell my big little older sister Betsy what she oughta chew on a bone or drink some a Grammy's mint tea or somethin'. See all a them crinkly leaves on a ground? I axed her. You's stinky breath have knocked 'em all offa the trees, I sayed. Well a course, she hadda go cryin' on Momma 'bout George bees such a meanie-ass; then Momma hadda go an' git mad all over me. But Momma, I tole her, I can smell Betsy's breath ten minutes after she have leaved the room. Momma sayed, oh, Georgie, jus' hushshsh.... an' I couldn't not believe my nose. Seem like Momma done been drinkin' outta Betsy's water bowl. I's prawly gonna hafta turn into a outside doggie. Elsewise them girls is gonna snuffocate me to deaf.

So Betsy tole Momma what she ain't bein' nobody's Bride a Bracula for our big Tricky Treaty party at Obee Dance School tonight. I don't not fink it bees ploper for to beg for bon bons, she sayed. So Momma sayed, fine, then. Georgie, put this dress on. Which, I thunk I were gonna been a Blue Jay; but Momma axed me, does ya wanna go, or doesn't ya? Well, a course I wants to git candy, so I putted on the dress. I has besided that if the boys is gonna tease me, I's jus' gonna talk all squeaky an' tell 'em, oh, you must of bees mistakin'. I is my big little older sister Betsy. An' that prawly makes me for to be the only girl I knows what ain't stupid!

Momma gotted a new church dress what makes her look like a sausage an' walk like a worm with two little feets stickin' outta the end. She axed me, do I looks pretty, George? An' I tole her ya; acause her face were lookin' okay I guess. Now I gots a bemember for to make a pray to God 'bout sorry I telled a lie when I gets to Sunday School. God prawlys gonna say, that bees okay Georgie, I woulda telled her she beed pretty too. Don't nobody wanna git my Momma mad first thing on the mornin'.

 

Today Momma bringed me her leash for to git a bit a fresh airs, an' when I had her all did up, she sayed, okay, ready Freddie? Well, I thunk, who do this Freddie fella bees? So I spunned aroun' for to took a look on him; but Momma beed right in the wrong spot. She felled asshole of the teakettle over top a Betsy. An' then they both was screamin' acause Betsy breaked a nail, an' Momma chipped her tooth. Which, I tole Momma, don't not worry, Momma, ya still bees pretty to me. But inside a my head I figured a least I don't gots to worry 'bout Freddie no more. He prawly ain't gonna wanna be kissin' on my snaggle-tooth Momma now.

Today has beed a bad day. Momma been workin' up a grump like she bees gittin' paid for it; then at suppertime she losed her beans. Georgie, eat with yous mouth shut! She were shriekin' so bad it sound like the brakes on her mouth was shot. I only jus' thunk; well, how do I apposed of git the food in then? So I axed her, does ya wants I oughta stick my foor in my ear? Then Grammy sayed, whadaya mean ya hasn't et in a year? An' Grampy axed Grammy, what is ya stickin' in yous rear? Then Momma growled on me, now look on what you started, Georgie! An' Grampy axed, who farted? An' Grammy slugged Grampy with her spoon acause she thunk what Grampy thunk what she were bein' farty. Then Momma up an' tooked away everbody's food an' tole us, yous can all jus' took that bad behavin' to bed! We's prawly all gonna starve to deaf in our sleep tonight. Tomorrow mornin' Momma gonna has a clump a skinny dead doggies. Lookin' like poor little furry slippers. I can't not bemember a worser day.

Today I were a magical Unicorn with my magical horn on my head what makes alls everbody's wishes comin' true when ya rubs it. 'Cept for stupid Betsy sayed what I ain't no Unicorn acause they starts off bein'  horsies. Ya don't thinks what yous a horsey does ya George? You jus' bees a Corn Dog, she sayed. So I axed her, is you wearin' them pig tails acause you is a pig, Betsy? She spitted when she talked jus' like Momma do; an' she sayed, I IS A PIXIE! I tole her, well, we must of bees be a great team then; Pixie the Pig an' her magical Horny Headed Corn Dog brother, George. She jus' spinned around an' goed away. Which, guess what? That were zactly my magical wish! I is a very good Corn Dog!