Ever sometime I likes a betend what I is a English Bulldog what's called George; an' I talks with a accent, like, Riff Riff. Which, I beed doin' that today when I taked Momma for her walk. We stopped for a sec so's a ole lady can pet Momma, an' I sayed, boys oh boys, I'm jus' love a mug a spotted tea right now! Acause Clive telled me what them Englishies loves theys spotted tea. The ole lady laughed like Cap'n Crunch, har, har, har, an' sayed, ain't you a cutie...(little English Bulldog, she were prawly thinkin'.) But Momma weren't so hardy-har what so all. Why is you talkin' so stupid, George, she axed me. I don't not unnerstans what yous sayin', Momma, on account a I is English, I tole her. She sayed, oh, for cripe sakes, take me home now! I guess I must of walked her right out today.

Betsy tole me what I looks like a big green idiot today, but I sayed, no I doesn't. I looks like a fat green leper. A case ya prawly doesn't knows; tomorrow bees Saint Fatty's Day I tole her. I is dressin' up like a leper today for to bemind Momma what she oughta hurry on up to the Big Girl Shop an' git herself some green gitup afore all the nother fatties buys everthin' up like last year. Saint Fatty bees the Pre-tend saint a fatties, an' ever year they's apposed of dress all green an' drink beer for to say, thanks, Saint Fatty! Betsy goed, O-M-G George! (Which, that ain't even how ya spells my name.) It bees Saint Paterix Day; an' you is apposed of be a Leprechaun. I never sayed nothin'. I thunk, no sense tryin' for to splain it all over again. Like Grampy all a time says, sometime ya jus can't not fix stupid!

Me an' Momma hadded a little argue this mornin' 'bout  how come I hadda stay home from Sunday School acause I beed so too busy fightin' crimes. Finally she sayed, well fine then, George. You can wear yous silly super coat; but I better not dare hear 'bout no shenanigans. Which, I ain't gonna be shenanigatin' when I's on duty. Everthin' prawly woulda beed all right, too, 'cept for that big mouth Scabby Doyle hadda gone an' been his big mouth ole self. He telled all a girls what I were lookin' at theys undiewears with my x-ray eyeballs. So a course they all goed cryin' at Mrs. Pearson; an' then Mrs. Pearson sayed, George! That bees quite the nuff a yous shenanigans! That were zactly how come Momma been gettin' mad on me the head a time! My Momma must of bees superish like me! So, I's prawly gonna git in super trouble now; an' I didn't even git to did a single shootin' gootin' shenan.

We gots a new girl at Obee Dance School whats name bees Bella; an' Mrs. Barker sayed what everbody oughta make her comferble. So I sayed, hi Bella, I is George. An' then I sayed, how's 'bout a little kiss? Acause she bees the beautifullest poodle of a girl I has ever seed. Bella tole me, George, I'm rather pour boiling oil in my ears. So I axed her, well, how's 'bout after yous done with the oil? An' she sayed, then, I'm rather stick pins in my eyes. Well, when yous done with yous eyes an' yous ears, ya wanna gimme a little kiss then? I'm rather git eated up alls over by a gazillion giant fleas atill all my shiny curls falls off, she tole me. Well, then my magination gotted in my eyes an' alls I was seein' were this scabby red eye droopy ear girl an' I thunk what she bees way too ugly for kissin'on; so I jus' goed away. I's prawly never gonna unnerstan them girls. That Bella bees pretty-lookin' jus' the way she bees. She don't needs to be doin' all that fixin' up for to git prettier. Jus' bees too much pretty-fixin', I say.

So I taked Momma for her walk today an' we beed havin' a nice ole time sniffin' out all a news 'bout who has beed where in the neighbours hood. All a trees was screamin' up my nose, pee on meeee! No, pee on meeee, each the nother one sayed. An' that beed all fine as dandy atill we gotted 'bout half the quarter ways home; then Momma gotted to tuggin' on her leash to beat the band. C'mon, George, hurry up! C'mon, George. I gived her my eyeballs what says, I's a little busy right now; an' then she pretty near breaked  my hang dang neck. C'MON GEORGE I HAS TO PEE! Well, what the carnation, I thunk. We prawly has jus' goed passed fifty or a hundred trees. But a course, my Momma gottsa go home an' pee in the fountain. Which, that have maked my incision. I quits! From now on, I's jus' takin' my own self out walkin'. Leave Momma at home. I's gonna hafta git her some big girl diapers astead. Yup. Big fat girl diapers.

I eated the Elf On The Shelf's eyeballs today acause he has beed spyin' on me; an' he prawly were gonna tole Santy for to jus' give me a ole rock in my sock. Then Betsy gotted to cryin' all over the place an' Momma gotted mad; an' I hadda go sit in my room an' think about my own self. An' guess what? I did done that thinkin'; an' I thunk up a great idea. Which, that bees... TA-DAAA... Boxer In A Bag! I sayed, see Betsy? You don't gottsa cry no more acause the Boxer In A Bag gonna be watchin' out for Santy now. She, sayed, you is a idiot, George. So I tole her, that bees okay. Santy jus' don't brings toys for bad childrens, he gots no problems 'bout bringin' presents to idiots. So there! An', plus, you prawly better wanna be a little bit nicer to the Boxer In A Bag.

 

Me an' Betsy hadded a kerfuffle today; so, a course when Momma gotted home from work, the place were lookin' a little kerfufflish. I tried a tole Momma, it bees alright, Momma, we has maked up an' everthin' alreadies; but she beed so mad on us she weren't listenin'. Then she sayed, I'm prawly rather has a couple a goldfishes astead a yous two morons makin' messes all a time. Which, that weren't not nice what so all. So, know what I done? I right out pooped in the bathtub! For to teach Momma. Do this bees whatcha wants, Momma? Pets what's gonna poop in they's own water dish an' then go swimmin' in it all day long? Momma beed so sorry what she busted out cryin'. So I sayed all gentle, go on an' git yous leash, Momma. Let's git you a little fresh hair; then you can clean up this mess when we gits back. An' don't not you worry, Momma; me an' Betsy ain't never goin' nowheres! Poor Momma cried an' cried all a ways down the street. She beminded me 'bout the little piggy what sayed weee weee weee all a ways home! I sure the shootin' ain't gonna tole her that.