Everbody beed all excitin' at Sunday School today acause Mrs. Pearson sayed, childrens, we has a special visitor this mornin'! I thunk it must of bees God; but, nope. Even better. It beed Santy Claus! He were sittin' in the teachers chair an' sayin' HoHo, an' everthin' beed happy atill Clive hadda go an' tole Santy what Scabby Doyle wantsa has  ballerina shoes for Christmas. Next I knowed, Scabby clouted me acause he thunk I beed Clive an' then I bited Whitey Easton but it beed a accident acause I were only sayin' OW; an' hims head gotted in my mouth. Then all a girls was cryin', an' all a boys was snarlin', an' chairs was fallin' over, an' Princess Peterson peed on Santy's feets. Santy leaved. An' Mrs. Pearson beed mad on the dickens. She maked us do a big pray at God for to say sorry 'bout that ruckus. Which, I thunk that beed funny acause He never even comed to visit. But I sayed it anyhows. An' I axed God does ya thinks what Santy Claus still gonna bring me a red CCM bike? Prawly not. Stupid Clive.

NOT A BITCH

I gotted in trouble at Sunday School today acause Mrs. Pearson telled everbody, hurry inside, childrens; an' I beed hurryin' too slow. But it weren't my own fault; I jus' couldn't not stop sniffin' everthin' on the sidewalk. Then Mrs. Pearson hollered on me, NOW, GEORGE! Alls I done is, I sayed, hold on a sex, I's smellin' a bitch here; an' the next thing what I knowed, Mrs. Pearson thumped me on my nose with her Bible. She sayed how dares me for to call her a smelly bitch. Which, I never even. She don't gots shiny fur, no fancy tail; she don't even smell right. A course, Mrs. Pearson hadda go an' tole on me an' then Momma beed mad, too. I tried a splain what I weren't not even rude. I tole her, Momma, why is I gonna call Mrs. Pearson a smelly bitch? She jus' bees a floppy skin girl what smells bad like you, Momma. Then guess what Momma done? Thump me on my nose with her purse. I can't not hardly smell what so all, now. Prawly I shoulda jus' let them keep on betendin' they was bitches.